Having been sucked into a whole host of life's misadventures and meandearings, I have stopped writing. I have missed the self-indulgent pleasure of exorcising my demons by my musings. Unfortunately, my close friends have had to endure a lot of my out pouring of frustrations, tears and anger at my imperfect life. Without my friends, I would have been quite lost and for every harsh truths they have made me see and accept, I love them even more.
I cannot say that my life is miserable or unbearable as I am certain, compared to many others in this world, mine is imperfect as the challenges I have had to endure and experience is not a matter of life or death. My challenges was one of mental, emotional and psychological barriers as consequences of decisions I have made in my life. It is perhaps very existentialist of me to say it was all a matter of personal choices. It is forgiving myself for making those choices and getting myself into a twisted mental, emotional and psychological mess that I find the hardest to accept and deal with. I did not make my life's choices blind-folded, I made those choices from my heart and perhaps from well conditioned accepted behaviourial patterns I have been used to recycling!
It was quite a shocking discovery when I learnt about 'Narcissitic Personality Disorder' -an mental illness where someone who has a battered sense of self but is deluded that he/she is better than everyone else and hence project their weakness onto others...using others as a mirror to confirm and affirm their own deluded belief. A vicious cycle of projection and externalisation, without any responsibilities for anything they do not like or cannot face up to. It means living with such a person is like living with a broken down record of how life is full of injustices and how you, as a child, friend or partner will always be the cause of all the things that go wrong or will go wrong. I lived through such experiences through my child hood and lived through similar experiences through two relationships. These experiences makes one question the acceptabilty and the wonderful myriad of experiences in the imperfection of one's life. The experiences suck one into a little dark corner where all the imperfections of oneself and one's life becomes the shining beacon for all the see - regardless if these imperfections were true or imagined.
However, I am relieved now that as much as my life is imperfect and as much as I am flawed, I am just as normal and as worthy of being loved by people closest to me. There are many little cobwebs of doubts and little scars that I would have to heal along the way but as imperfect as my life is, I know I have lived and have much more to live for.
Imperfect but am loved.
