Decartes is probably be turning in his grave as I plagiarised and borrow his famous quote ‘I think, therefore I am’. The original Descartes concept had more to do with the abstract concept of existence and what is real, a discourse into what defines who we are, the relationship between our thoughts and physical world. Well, at least that was how I understood what Descartes was trying to explain! Here, I explore why time and time again , people surprised and shocked with me with things they say which often contradict the image they project or want others to see and even more shockingly, how what they say unravels the nature of my relationships with them. It creates a sense of doubt over the sincerity of people I know. If so and so, whom I have known for a few years can judge and utter derogatory or negative comments about others what then could they have said about me or what then they must also think of me? It feels almost like a betrayal, like I have been lied to.
I understand and accept that all of us have a private self and a public self. We have aspects of ourselves which we may be protective over or have no wish to share with others outside of our closest family and friends. We may also be quite reserved and shy, and we enjoy keeping our private thoughts to ourselves. However, regardless if one is reserved, introverted or extroverted, we all have thoughts, opinions and personal moral codes or ethics that define who we are. These inner workings of our beings, guide us in what we say, how we live our lives and how we manage, treat and sustain our relationships with people around us. Over time, these inner workings may be changed, shaped and nurtured by changing personal experiences but to deny them, to suppress them or to mask them with what is expected from us by society, just means we are not being our authentic self. We become, a living lie - not quite happy, not quite sure where we are, who we are in the world. We may even succumb to the thoughts and opinions of others, pretend or even led ourselves to believe that these thoughts and opinions are ours just so we are seen as ‘acceptable’. Then ever so often, little cracks may appear when we let it slip. A careless whisper. A callous remark we couldn’t quite hold back. A utter of deep disgust that we have kept so well hidden which is so out of character from what we have wanted others to see.
Why do we need to hide part of who we are? Are we so ashamed of our own thoughts and opinions because we know that we would have been quite harsh in our judgements of others who may have these same disagreeable flaws? Are we so embarrassed by a part of our authentic self that may be deemed ‘unacceptable’ by the morality of society that we are prepared to live with pretence? I have a lot of admiration and respect for those who do not practice such self -censorship. People who are true to who they are regardless what others may think of them. It is because of such people who have immense courage to be themselves, to express their thoughts and opinions that we have great shifts and changes in society. These are the people who shaped society’s views and attitudes towards gender issues, sexuality, respect for individuality and opened up our minds to challenge what is acceptable and to truly appreciate what it is to feel and show respect for each other as human beings.
However, being true to ourselves, does not mean that we say and do things without regard for the sensitivities of others. It is not a carte blanche to voice our opinion at all cost. Freedom of speech and expression is wonderful but to practice such freedom with disregard and disrespect of others is being irresponsible. It is a fine balance and I believe in treating others the way I want to be treated. Hence, I often catch myself and stop myself from saying something that I know will cause someone discomfort. I stop and check myself, what was my motivation to say something or do something?. I am afraid sometimes I am ashamed of my true intentions - they are anything but admirable. Driven by anger, driven by envy or driven by egotistical ends I wanted my words to hurt, to anger and to upset the intended recipient. I wanted to have the ‘last say’ or I wanted to be ‘right’ - pure arrogance, pure petulance. I would stop these deep ghastly stirrings of initial thoughts, and tell myself, that hurting someone else achieves no real result. I must admit, I am not always successful. For the feral, nasty beast in me sometimes unleashes itself and I cannot imagine how many people I may have hurt and angered. Hurting someone else, creates a cycle of hate and anger that will simmer on long after the incident is forgotten even though for just that moment it may have made me, the perpetrator feel victorious.
Perhaps, this is what the existentialist founding fathers were talking about when they philosophise about ‘angst’ and the inevitability of ‘angst’ in our existence. Perhaps, to be authentic to who we are, we cannot help but grapple with moral values, inner demons and how we must chastise our thoughts and intentions. Or perhaps, we just need to acknowledge what we are, forgive ourselves and in doing so, we can find the compassion to accept and we learn to respect others. By supporting others to be true to who they are in a positive way may perhaps help us unshackle ourselves from our fear being of a pariah of society. Now, that is quite an empowering thought...
I understand and accept that all of us have a private self and a public self. We have aspects of ourselves which we may be protective over or have no wish to share with others outside of our closest family and friends. We may also be quite reserved and shy, and we enjoy keeping our private thoughts to ourselves. However, regardless if one is reserved, introverted or extroverted, we all have thoughts, opinions and personal moral codes or ethics that define who we are. These inner workings of our beings, guide us in what we say, how we live our lives and how we manage, treat and sustain our relationships with people around us. Over time, these inner workings may be changed, shaped and nurtured by changing personal experiences but to deny them, to suppress them or to mask them with what is expected from us by society, just means we are not being our authentic self. We become, a living lie - not quite happy, not quite sure where we are, who we are in the world. We may even succumb to the thoughts and opinions of others, pretend or even led ourselves to believe that these thoughts and opinions are ours just so we are seen as ‘acceptable’. Then ever so often, little cracks may appear when we let it slip. A careless whisper. A callous remark we couldn’t quite hold back. A utter of deep disgust that we have kept so well hidden which is so out of character from what we have wanted others to see.
Why do we need to hide part of who we are? Are we so ashamed of our own thoughts and opinions because we know that we would have been quite harsh in our judgements of others who may have these same disagreeable flaws? Are we so embarrassed by a part of our authentic self that may be deemed ‘unacceptable’ by the morality of society that we are prepared to live with pretence? I have a lot of admiration and respect for those who do not practice such self -censorship. People who are true to who they are regardless what others may think of them. It is because of such people who have immense courage to be themselves, to express their thoughts and opinions that we have great shifts and changes in society. These are the people who shaped society’s views and attitudes towards gender issues, sexuality, respect for individuality and opened up our minds to challenge what is acceptable and to truly appreciate what it is to feel and show respect for each other as human beings.
However, being true to ourselves, does not mean that we say and do things without regard for the sensitivities of others. It is not a carte blanche to voice our opinion at all cost. Freedom of speech and expression is wonderful but to practice such freedom with disregard and disrespect of others is being irresponsible. It is a fine balance and I believe in treating others the way I want to be treated. Hence, I often catch myself and stop myself from saying something that I know will cause someone discomfort. I stop and check myself, what was my motivation to say something or do something?. I am afraid sometimes I am ashamed of my true intentions - they are anything but admirable. Driven by anger, driven by envy or driven by egotistical ends I wanted my words to hurt, to anger and to upset the intended recipient. I wanted to have the ‘last say’ or I wanted to be ‘right’ - pure arrogance, pure petulance. I would stop these deep ghastly stirrings of initial thoughts, and tell myself, that hurting someone else achieves no real result. I must admit, I am not always successful. For the feral, nasty beast in me sometimes unleashes itself and I cannot imagine how many people I may have hurt and angered. Hurting someone else, creates a cycle of hate and anger that will simmer on long after the incident is forgotten even though for just that moment it may have made me, the perpetrator feel victorious.
Perhaps, this is what the existentialist founding fathers were talking about when they philosophise about ‘angst’ and the inevitability of ‘angst’ in our existence. Perhaps, to be authentic to who we are, we cannot help but grapple with moral values, inner demons and how we must chastise our thoughts and intentions. Or perhaps, we just need to acknowledge what we are, forgive ourselves and in doing so, we can find the compassion to accept and we learn to respect others. By supporting others to be true to who they are in a positive way may perhaps help us unshackle ourselves from our fear being of a pariah of society. Now, that is quite an empowering thought...
