City Slacker to Trail Seeker

For many years, I believed in the cliché ‘you can take the girl out of the city, you can’t take the city out of the girl’. This was unfortunately true until about 3 years ago. Get wet? Get muddy? Get outdoors? You have to be kidding me. So how did I go from a city slacker to a trail seeker? What happened ? What changed?

It began with a vague idea of wanting to get out of the daily grind and get healthier.  I had  no idea what ‘healthier’ meant. Vaguely in my mind, it meant not sitting around watching TV. It meant giving up cigarettes, a habit which was getting quite expensive.  It meant doing some form of exercise. Not blessed with the best of eye and body coordination,  jogging I thought would be the easiest to do. 

So my journey into the world of running began. I thought how difficult can it be, one foot in front of another. No need for gym fees. No need to face the embarrassment of being in a room full of fitter bodies. Easy it was not. I remember the breathlessness just jogging down the street where I live. I remember feeling as if my heart was just going to burst out of my chest and it was most torturous to say the least.

Somehow, for reasons I cannot explain, I kept at it.  I believed joining a local parkrun and later a local running club gave me the motivation and inspiration to want to get better. Slowly but surely I did get better. Running is still not easy, just a little easier each day.

For a while, I pounded pavements. Wandering each time further and further away from home because I am privileged to have a great city to run around in - Cardiff, a city that seems to be made for runners. The city is  flat with beautiful parks and waterfront so one has the freedom to roam and feel safe.  But for me each morning, making my way through the city and being part of the city as she wakes, are quite special moments of my day.  These early morning jaunts give me a window in the day to observe and experience things that most of us take for granted.  I can hear the dawn chorus of birds and I see the people who keep the city clean when most  are all still tucked up in bed.  I pass delivery trucks unloading supplies to our shops and see the people coming off night shifts to make their way home wrapped up in their own tired thoughts.

However, the real discovery came when I attempted my first multi-terrain race. That 6 mile race changed my perspective of running and subsequently sowed the seed for other things to come.  In this race, I remember struggling up a long climb on a narrow country lane and as I got to the top, the view of just hills and blue skies took my breath away.  The race continued off -road toward the hills over muddy marshland. There were sheep grazing along the route. Gentle autumnal breeze in the air. The hush, just hearing my own breathing as I picked my way down the hill felt strangely calming. My daily concerns seemed a world a way. I was surrounding by so much beauty. I was alive. This experience gave me a taste of what it feels like to run in nature. After that race, I look forward to opportunities whenever I can to go off and explore new trails. 

From a runner’s perspective, I believe running is quite a personal journey. Some like me started as a way to get fitter and then develop a sense of competitiveness and go on to set personal challenges in races.  Some people just run because they have always done so as a child and kept at it as part of who they are.  Running for me has helped me test my boundaries, physically, mentally and has opened up a whole new world for me.  It has helped me discover the simple pleasures of being outdoor. There is a sense of liberation to just lace up my trainers, pack a snack and off I go. The only limitation is how far I can physically go before I tire.

It is in my wanders that I discovered the many wonderful woodland trails, coasts and hills that I had taken so much for granted. All free. All there regardless of the season. It made me realise how fortunate I am to have all this nature around me. It made me want to encourage others to go out there and enjoy it. To love it and to inspire others to do the same.  So all because of a pair of trainers all those months ago, I have become a trail seeker and I hope there will be others like me, who will discover the wonderful experiences that running can bring.  Whatever your motivation is, get out there. Give it a go. You might find something you like. I promise you, there is a journey of discovery of who you are, what is important to you and what you can be waiting for you, should you want it. 

It really is quite simple. There is a world out there waiting. 

A Small Slice of Life

In recent months,  there was quite a bit of de-cluttering, filing and most importantly preparing myself to leave behind systems and processes so that someone else can take over and take the work forward. My tenure, my time after 7 and half years of service has come to an end.  As the company is being wound up and as services we offered are taken in some form into the local authority, I decided it was an opportune time to take a leap of faith and see what lies ahead. It was not an easy decision to make, for I knew I was starting over in uncertain economic times. Being older,  being a generalist and not a specialist in any field and being foreign despite having lived in Wales for about 11 years, and having been employed and inherited a role that did not stand me in good stead for career advancement, I  already have quite a few obstacles stacked  up against me.  Then if everything else goes horribly wrong, there is the risk of being unemployed, homeless and quite alone.  

However, as I pondered about my decision,  the one thought that kept coming back to me was ‘What does being employed means to me?’ . In essence, what  and how is the significance of what I do for a living fit into my life.  You would have thought, such a question should have been something I had thought long and hard about all those many years ago.  Unfortunately, this question never crossed my mind.  I left college with a Diploma, worked and was very fortunate to have always had a passion and love for what I did. Everything else was just a progression and consequences of decisions I made along the way.

As life would have had it, in all that time I inevitably succumbed to and subscribed to the notion that a
successful career and all the aspirations that came with that was something to strive for.  It became a default by which I measured my personal achievements. It became a default by which I felt I could be recognised, acknowledged and validated.  Then something happened to me in the last few years that slowly began to change my perspectives. Something caused me to shift my attitude and thinking.  

I am not quite sure I can attribute this change to a particular person, situation or anything specific. Although I can say that by making a conscious effort to engage in activities that make me feel mentally and physically better, has helped me achieve a sense of clarity in decisions I needed to make. It has also helped me cultivate better relationships and friendships with people and I am kinder too, to myself. Cliché as it may sound, but by being a little bit more upbeat about things, means I am able to engage with others who feel the same way and in the process I am perhaps, more opened to new ways of thinking about things. I am able to ditch old worn out attitudes and embrace new possibilities that I wouldn’t have even thought of.

So when I decided to risk unemployment about a month or so ago, I was concerned but I at the same time, I felt a sense of liberation and excitement. For me it also meant, I could explore opportunities that will resonate with me as an individual. Something that would appeal to me without all the bells and whistles.  I was pleasantly surprised that how making that small change in attitude, means I can look beyond the usual 9 to 5 job. I can look beyond full-time employment and beyond the usual sectors.  

After a much thought, soul searching  and some luck, I believe, I have finally found and being given the opportunity to achieve that balance of working and re-training in a sector that I will enjoy. This new part-time role also allows me the flexibility to explore additional possibilities. Now,  I am just awaiting contract and looking forward to a new life that will start in a week’s time. 

Perhaps this is a small step towards a long term vision of living in a cottage or a little house with some garden and a dog, near a countryside. Living and working more outdoors. 

As a trail runner wannabe , you have to say… THAT long term vision if it happens will be a dream come true!

Tis the Season to Celebrate

Christmas is soon upon us  and not long before we say adieu to 2012 and I love it.  It is the time of year when I look back and appreciate what I have done, what I have achieved and remember fondly new experiences that I can now file away and catalogue as part of my life.  This is also a time, for me to reflect upon personal challenges and  the not so nice bits and to be glad that these unproductive and unhelpful bits are over and that I have come through them knowing myself a bit better.  Another new year  just waiting for me to make amends in the aspects of my life that had  fallen short and a new year to start over. For me it is a time of reflection and to be grateful for all that my life had been and all that my life that is still waiting to be discovered. 

However, I was not often gracious and grateful for what I have. For as long as I can remember, there was always something, someone or some situation that I would have grievance with. These grievances easily became worries, anguish and all sorts of unproductive emotions and thoughts. After a while, it became almost a personality default - life and everything else was viewed from the perspective of the ‘cannot’, ‘should not’ and ‘is not’. It was about perceived injustices and how I deserved better. It was about all the things that were wrong. My thoughts, attitudes and obsession was all about the angst I encountered in my life and I gravitated towards relationships that reinforced and fueled that need to speak of, to discuss all the miseries in life and gravitated to people who encouraged me to focus on negatives in my life and also that of others, regardless if these strives were real or otherwise. Such dalliances never solved any problems. 

Such dalliances did not make me feel any better. Such dalliances were shackles I didn’t even realised were holding me back from experiencing the simple joys being alive. I dallied so much in what life should be and forgot about what I could have made it to be.  It had taken me quite a number of years and some changes in life to slowly realise that life need not be fraught with struggles, complications and strife. It is simply a conscious personal choice to avoid, minimise, let go or walk way from things that  is and will not helpful, non conducive and do not contribute to my well-being in any way. 

I have many things to be grateful for and many things to be positive about and I know I am not unique or alone in this.  I truly believe, if we sat down and in our quiet moments, we can all think of some moments in our lives that makes us smile and that warms our hearts.  Too often, we forget to look back with fondness as we become to engrossed in what lies ahead even when the future can never be certain as many things in life don’t follow a linear progression or go according plan.

In the last year, my sister and I lost mum. It happened unexpectedly and it did make me think about what is truly important to me. Mum’s passing brought back many unwelcome memories but it also brought Sis and I closer together as we are the only two left of our small family and that to me is very precious. This sisterly that bond I had taken for granted for a long time, has become in the last 2 years something that I feel privilege to share.  I feel a little sad that  I never got a chance to say ‘thank you’ to my parents when they were around, to thank them for having given me a life in the way they best the knew how and the best they could afford.  They brought me up to be independent and to have the courage to do what I need to do - not to fear, not to feel daunted by life. A lesson I never quite appreciated until my resolve and strength had been tested from time to time and I am still here, better for it.

I too, have been very privileged to have had a very interesting and colourful career . The first half of my career after leaving college were quite exciting times.  I had the privilege of working with some of the best people in the industry. Some of whom were pioneers in what they do - from training/consultancy,  venue and event management, public relations and experiential marketing fields. I was encouraged to explore and develop new ideas and to see to fruition these creative ideas and feel a sense of personal pride and pride in the teams that I have lead and managed. To this day, some of the experiences that I have shared with various work colleagues, clients and business associates are unique and will always be fondly remembered.  There were exciting times and I am glad to have had the opportunity to be part of all that. In many ways, those days have made me who I am today -  my work ethos and attitudes were formed and nurtured by people I worked for, people I worked with and achievements I am proud to have been part of.

When I embarked on a life away abroad and decided to remain in UK, it was a life changing decision which I could not quite comprehend or  understand how much that would have changed my life from there on. The consequences were wide ranging and not often smooth sailing  and there were times, I thought I had made a huge mistake. There were times I felt almost lost and adrift but I am thankful that I made that decision and thankful for the life that I have now.  I often say, my life here and now is so different from life that I had known and left behind  and so it should be.

I am also grateful for the last 10 years where many people have touched my life and helped me learn important lessons about who I am and what I need to be.  Some of these lessons were very painful indeed and they taught me what real respect means but most importantly they taught me when to stop fretting over things I cannot change but to focus on things I can change and do something about. The ability to step away and acknowledge that  not everything is about ‘me’ and that there just things I cannot control, is quite liberating.  And in  recent years,  I have met some really positive people who reminded me what it is like to laugh and to take life less seriously. 

As imperfect as life was, is and will always be, I am grateful to be alive and to be surrounded by good friends and close family who share my joys, celebrate my achievements and who helped me be the best I can be.  So, yes it is definitely a time to celebrate and to toast to the closing of another chapter of life and the beginning of another.

Perspective

Dates. Timeline. Schedules. Numbers. Formulas. Checklists. Lists. I love them all and there are not many moments in my life when I don’t have a schedule or a list of some sort. There is something comforting in dates, schedules and numbers because they are real, tangible and provide sense of purpose and orderliness in life. Through them, my life could be organised into neat little compartments. With plans and lists, life is simplified or at least I feel I am somewhat in control. Even better, achievements and success could be compartmentalised, categorised, filed away and quantified or at least that was the idea. However, life doesn’t often work out like that. Plans changed or ditched or worse, in trying to be in control, all that you try to control and master, becomes an all consuming obsession or a burden. Then the question becomes ‘Who or what is controlling whom?’


I spent a good part of my early adult life - work and personal wise, organising people and things. There was always a schedule and/or a deadline. So my life then was about how much could I do and accomplish, how fast could I do something and how many deadlines could I meet. Deadlines were the be all and end all. It was exciting. It was pure adrenaline most of the time. Personal and home life did suffer eventually because something had to give. Ultimately, mentally and physically, it was not possible for me to sustain that level of intensity. Things had to change. Even then I had not realised that it have become less of me having mastery over time and things but instead, I became a slave of time, plans and schedules.

I did not and could not see that there were more important things than maintaining orderliness and control. More important things than being effective, efficient and driven. That the more important and most crucial thing is to live and embrace all the quirks, imperfections and flaws. To accept that, there are things I cannot change or control - one of life’s truths that took many hard lessons before I came to realise that to actually ‘let go’ is to unshackle myself from unnecessary angst and stress.
So now I learn to ask ‘What and why am I doing what I am doing?’ ‘Will my world come crashing down if I cannot do it all?’ ‘Is something a matter of life or death that it had to be done?’ ‘What is the worse thing that could possible happened?’ Ultimately, ‘will I be able to live with the consequences or if I had limited time to live, would I still be as concern?’

These questions did not and still do not come easy for me but sometimes when I really try, I catch myself reverting to old habits and learn to stop and let a moment of clarity sink in. In that momentary pause, I realised that it is not a matter of life and death and that it is perfectly permissible to take a break, to rest, to seek refuge from responsibilities, demands that life asks of us or demands that we ask of ourselves. Life can be a numbers game - how much, how far, how fast, how good, how successful and the lists goes on, but only if we let it become so.
Stop, once in awhile and take stock. You may be surprised at how that can really change your perspective on things and you might just have a ‘eureka moment’ and think, why didn’t I think of it like this before? 

Send in The Clowns, Please?

Feeling a little frustrated with my physical fitness and mental fortitude over the last few weeks, I was definitely not in the good frame of mind to deal with the daily annoyances of life. On television, in conversations and discussions with people, there seemed to be little joy. More often then not, it was about something not working, not doing, should not, could not and all sorts of complaints over how things should be. The image that stuck with me is that of children stamping their foot and throwing a tantrum and hoping someone, somewhere would take notice and make things better. Unfortunately, such is life, you make it what you want it to be. Mummy, daddy, people in authorities, politicians and the government are not going to live your life for you. Get over it.

There just seems to be this refusal to see that as much as life is not perfect, and it will never be perfect, that we should be thankful and to live our lives with graciousness and compassion. There are people who live in poverty, people who live with extreme disabilities and some people in terrible oppression who just ‘get on with it‘. There was a programme on TV recently where a London bus driver went to experience life in the Manila slumps. There he met families, scrounging for food among left-over from restaurants. These people were so poor, they had to scrounge among this heap of what would be food waste to us, re-cooked them for a meal. Makes you put certain things into perspective, when we have people protesting over pensions or no pay rise or anti-establishment by jumping into rivers in a boat race, ‘occupy certain public areas’ whilst queuing for latte at Starbucks.

Then  more recently I was incensed by images of what I seen happened where peaceful demonstrators, asking for a positive change for the country being physical threatened and beaten. I have so much respect and admiration for these people who risked their personal freedom and independence to stand up for what they believe it - some form of democracy that people in more developed countries take for granted. And on the flip-side, we have people living in more just democracy complained about how awful the government is. How inefficient, how useless etc.. the list goes on. The irony is, the very fact that people are allowed to stand up and criticise the government and not risk arrest, is quite lost on most.

At a more personal level, I am by no means a happy clappy chappy but I do believe that it is important to remind ourselves that there are things in every day life that we should embrace positively, to celebrate and to show encouragement. We are too quick to criticise. Too quick to presume, assume and most of all, project our own insecurities onto others. We consciously or subconsciously feel as if we are in ‘competition’ to better another. It is wonderful to want to better ourselves, to improve and if we spend more time on improving ourselves, we will spend less time feeling envious and destructive over the achievements of others. There’s no need to over - emphasized to others ‘I did this’.. ‘I did that’… ‘She/He should have done this or that’.. In other words, stop pointing fingers and talking about others.  If what we have to say, isn’t going to help ourselves and others positively, perhaps silence is the better option.

It may be corny. It may be un-cool to celebrate life.  It may all sound a bit too ‘rah rah’ or too much like a rally call, we all cringe at but, the alternative of just focusing on the bad bits, whinging, complaining etc…isn’t going to make you or anyone else feel better.

Question is do you want to just wallow and hope for perfection that will never come and thus, a self-fulfilling prophecy that life is SO unjust or do you say, come then.. Let’s bring in the clowns, please… let’s just enjoy what we have?

Family, Home & Country

It is almost a year to the day, when I made a difficult journey home. It was unplanned for and it was just 2 weeks before mum was due to visit me. Instead, I was travelling the other way. Mum had been admitted to an intensive care unit, unable to breathe on her own. It was discovered, she had a brain tumour and whether she would recover from it was indeterminate. It was very difficult for family who were there with her then, to see her hooked up to machines. Mum unable to speak, indicated she wanted to go home and we knew that by fulfilling mum’s wish to be released from intensive care unit at the hospital, to return home, she would never make it. Hence, my long flight back. I couldn’t quite process how I was feeling but I knew if I didn’t make it back to say goodbye, I would never have forgiven myself.

The week running up to my flight, knowing that mum was poorly, was a difficult time. In a lot of ways, I had been estranged from her and my family for many years. So there were many painful memories that came back to me. As well as a sense of guilt for I had not been there for them for the last 9 years. That week also brought back memories of the time when we lost dad. I was much younger then and even then, I was not the responsible young adult that I should I have. I was too busy and engrossed with whatever it was that was going on in my life. The grief I felt for the loss of dad was deeper, perhaps it was because I was younger and I was closer to him than I had been with mum. Dad and I had many father - daughter moments. I remember an old joke we had in the family when we looked at a old B & W photograph of me as a baby in dad’s arms, dressed like a boy… I was unfortunately, not quite a son he would have liked! In comparison, mum and I have had many moments of conflicts, contention and basically a struggle of domination over my life which has caused me to walk out and was disowned. A very James Dean moment, I think.. But I did think then in my petulance I was a rebel with a cause!

So now, a year on from taking mum’s ashes out to sea and as I was reminded recently, it will be 20 years this November, since Dad passed on, I cannot help but think whatever happened to all that time that has passed. My memories of Dad seems a little dimmer as years go by and I wonder what he would have thought of me now. Would he have been angry, hurt and disappointed with some of my decisions in life? Would he have been as accepting and comforting as he once said ‘ Whatever happens, I will always be there’. My memories of mum are often tainted with some tinge of frustration and anger but I know that over the years, since I have moved away, mum had become a much better person. She did mellow. She did finally learnt that there were some boundaries she had to respect and not cross. I can only attribute this to the patience, persistence and strength that Sis had shown over the years.

Whatever it was that was right or wrong, mum did have a good 10 years after Dad passed on. She travelled. She had no grand children to worry about. She wasn’t always in the best of health, but she had lived a life quite full compared to many of her peers. I came across some old photographs taken of mum when she last visited, her usual frown when she has a her picture taken, Caerphilly Castle was in the background. Sis and I always told her ‘Mum, please smile.. Stop frowning for the camera!’. I would like to remember mum as someone who, despite being from a very poor family and was sent to work at a very young age and perhaps was bullied as young servant girl, she brought us up to be independent, forward thinking and as sis and I would always say ‘we are head strong because of mum and it was good training, else we would have crumbled!’

So as my little family gets smaller, there’s just the two of us sisters left, it made me realised how the bond between us is something to truly treasure and cherish. No one else in the world, grew up with me and share some of that history with me. No one else could quite love me with all my flaws, cracks and what have you as unconditionally and yet be my strength when I needed them to be. Over the last 2 years, it seems to me, we share a lot more in common or have certain similar quirks, it’s quite endearing and yet quite scary. When all fails, we just do the Freudian thing ‘Blame mum and dad. We are flawed, tarnished and traumatised by them both’.

This brings me to the question as to where is home then? I would say, home now is here in Wales and I suppose for many years, it has been so but I didn’t want to commit to it. I didn’t want to alienate myself from the place where I was born and brought up. It felt like a betrayal. An act of disloyalty to say, Wales is my home and not Malaysia. However, my rocky start in Wales and having come through all that, Wales helped me challenged myself and my old ways of thinking and living. By being different as I am and being thrust into a different way of life, experiences, relationships and people - I became even more aware of what it means to adapt, to respect and acknowledge even the most subtle differences between myself and everyone else. Not to pre-judge, assume or make unjust comparison. I can only hope, others offer me the same respect and acknowledgement. It is not often easy and continues to be a work-in-progress!

Does this then make me any less of being a Malaysian? The answer to that is a definitive no. I will always be proud to say I am Malaysian and even if I choose to any some point in time to formally relinquish my citizenship, I will still consider myself Malaysian. Despite the political and social challenges I have read about, heard about in Malaysia, I believe Malaysia as I know it, are the sums of the culture, attitude and spirit of its peoples. Politicians do not make a nation, people do. In that macro view, I do feel angry and sad at what Malaysia as a country has become. However, it is very heart warming and inspiring to see people from a multitude of ethnicity stand together in moments of hardship and speak for what they believe is right, at the risk of being arrested. The respect of differences was never easy and there will always differences and that is what makes being Malaysian so unique.

So what does it mean to me, being Malaysian? First thing that comes to every Malaysian’s mind - love of FOOD of course! Well besides, eating being a favourite pastime and besides, the variety of culinary delights like no other in the world, Malaysians are a melting pot of so many things. We speak so many different languages. Most Malaysians speak at least two, if not three languages and god knows how many other dialects, regional or otherwise. We also have our very own version of the Queen’s English, called Manglish and sometimes we are quite proud of it because no one else can understand us! We are totally politically incorrect, most of the time - no shame, not malicious in any way as we play-up, joke and exchange banter on typical ethic stereotypes. Malaysians have a way of easy tolerance with each other and understands that it’s ok not to agree with certain cultural practices but, there is no need to criticise or offer opinions on something alien to one’s upbringing. These are just some of the quirkiness of being Malaysian that will always be part of who I am and I cling on to them unashamedly because it makes me unique to the rest of the world.

I suppose over the years, I have straddled two lives - past and present, two countries and estranged from my real home, which is my family. Time to let go of things I can no longer hold on to and just be happy to have memories which are unique to me, of a different time, a different place. The healing of what had gone on for years has begun and now it is for me and all that is left of my family to embrace the years to come, knowing that each of this moment forward is important.

So Pa and Mummy, you can both rest well now, your daughters are well. We are good. Missing you both - well not all the bad bits, but we will always miss you both in our own way.

Being Good Enough? Being Best I Can Be?

We all make lists. We have lists of things we have done, things we want to do and things we wish to do. We have lists for various aspects of our lives - our career, business, work, home, leisure and the everyday mundane living. Sometimes, it can be quite a revelation when we look back on some of our lists and discover how far we have come or how we have perhaps wavered from what we have set out to do. Most importantly, we will realise that what had been of significance at particular moment in our lives, may be of little importance or may even be of total irrelevance to us as we are now. With utmost certainty, time has moved us along. With utmost certainty we would have changed somewhat. However, as much as we have changed, there are certain burdens or scars of time that we carry with us. Doubts, insecurities and fears that may fuel our ambitions, aspirations and our endless self query of ‘ Am I good enough?’. In the same way, we could be carrying such burdens that over time, chip away at us and we become more accustomed to seeing our own limitations. We forget to ask ‘ can I be the best I can be?’

For me, I am a keeper of many lists. However, for many years my lists were all to do with my career, my work, achievements, recognition and acknowledgement in that very narrow aspect of my life. Every recognition fueled my obsession to work harder, try harder and strive harder. The instant positive affirmations that meant ‘I was good enough’ were the definition of who I am. It was such a significant part of my life, nothing else mattered. I was ‘successful’ because I had a career I loved. I had respect because I delivered results. I was rewarded because I delivered. I had authority. I had status. I was just turning 30. Everything was looking up. Then, life began to feel empty. It was as if I had packed too much into a short career span. I was exhausted. I was running on empty. I had to simply stop.

So stop, I did. From one extreme to another. I gave up all that and decamped to 6,000 miles away. Then I spent the next 8 years battling myself. Like an addiction, I could not kick the habit of wanting more. Having to start all over, where everything that I had done and achieved, accounted for nothing was a very painful personal journey. I was in a foreign land, nobody cared what I had to offer. Nobody respected what I had to offer. In gist, from a ‘somebody’ to a ‘nobody’ or at least that was how I felt. So I trudged along, nagging thoughts of ‘am I not good enough?’ followed me. Career and personal challenges compounded my feelings of despair and doubts. I was in effect, running around in circles. I could not see beyond my feelings and my own perceived ‘failings’. The one dimensional me didn’t cope very well. I just blamed the whole world for being unfair but really, deep down inside, I was convinced ‘I wasn’t good enough’.

Then like a blessing in disguise, personal circumstances dictated that I had to move home. That move was emotionally difficult and financially challenging. It was at this juncture, that I realised the enormity of my decision made 8 years ago to leave all of my life behind. It made me realised that in spite of all the professional and personal challenges in the last 8 years, I have weathered them, more or less on my own. It made me realised also the relationships that are important to me and those that are not. It was not a case anymore of ‘am I good enough’.. it was how can I be better.

That journey to being better began about 18 months ago. It began with a pair of Asics trainers on my feet. It began with tentative attempts to run. I figured since I couldn’t ride a bike or swim and is totally uncoordinated in any sports, I could at least give running a try. So try I did. It was not pleasant at all. Being a chain smoker previously didn’t help. Being a sedentary couch potatoes didn’t help. Then a friend recommended I join a local run in the park. I looked at him incredulously and thought seriously.. I don’t think it is the thing for me. The thought of running with others and coming last was quite horrifying. But, I decided I will give it a go. Worst thing that can happen is I do come last and I would be so embarrassed, I didn’t have to go back.

But 18 months on - 1820 kilometres covered so far, 3 road races, 2 off road races, more than 40 park runs later complete with ankle sprains, stress fracture and other aches and pains, I am still running. I have never come last yet in any of the races or park runs so I guess I am doing ok. However, the question of ‘am I good enough?’ is of less significance now. It is more of ‘how much better can I be?’. Running is not a panacea for all one’s problems but it changes you. Somehow, it is like your mind has being re-wired. You see daily irritations, frustrations as little necessities of life as you began to put things in your life into perspectives. You see limitations as something to work at and not give it to. You see temporary set backs as a need to adapt or change the way you approach things. You liberate yourself from having identify or define yourself by what you do. You truly understand, realised what it means that, when there’s a will to do something, a true motivation and desire to do, you will find ways to do it. Most importantly to me, it helped me understand that ‘being good enough’ means little because it means sufficient, sufficient to some pre set standards - self imagined, self imposed or standards expected of you from others. Being the best that you can be, means you commit to trying your best given what you have at any given time.

Hence, the pursuit of your own personal best is therefore not static because life is not static. So all of us, in our own ways are work in progress. The key is enjoy and embrace that process. Progress is a certainty, if you want it. So make a list of things what you want to do and do it, what’s stopping you?