Being Good Enough? Being Best I Can Be?

We all make lists. We have lists of things we have done, things we want to do and things we wish to do. We have lists for various aspects of our lives - our career, business, work, home, leisure and the everyday mundane living. Sometimes, it can be quite a revelation when we look back on some of our lists and discover how far we have come or how we have perhaps wavered from what we have set out to do. Most importantly, we will realise that what had been of significance at particular moment in our lives, may be of little importance or may even be of total irrelevance to us as we are now. With utmost certainty, time has moved us along. With utmost certainty we would have changed somewhat. However, as much as we have changed, there are certain burdens or scars of time that we carry with us. Doubts, insecurities and fears that may fuel our ambitions, aspirations and our endless self query of ‘ Am I good enough?’. In the same way, we could be carrying such burdens that over time, chip away at us and we become more accustomed to seeing our own limitations. We forget to ask ‘ can I be the best I can be?’

For me, I am a keeper of many lists. However, for many years my lists were all to do with my career, my work, achievements, recognition and acknowledgement in that very narrow aspect of my life. Every recognition fueled my obsession to work harder, try harder and strive harder. The instant positive affirmations that meant ‘I was good enough’ were the definition of who I am. It was such a significant part of my life, nothing else mattered. I was ‘successful’ because I had a career I loved. I had respect because I delivered results. I was rewarded because I delivered. I had authority. I had status. I was just turning 30. Everything was looking up. Then, life began to feel empty. It was as if I had packed too much into a short career span. I was exhausted. I was running on empty. I had to simply stop.

So stop, I did. From one extreme to another. I gave up all that and decamped to 6,000 miles away. Then I spent the next 8 years battling myself. Like an addiction, I could not kick the habit of wanting more. Having to start all over, where everything that I had done and achieved, accounted for nothing was a very painful personal journey. I was in a foreign land, nobody cared what I had to offer. Nobody respected what I had to offer. In gist, from a ‘somebody’ to a ‘nobody’ or at least that was how I felt. So I trudged along, nagging thoughts of ‘am I not good enough?’ followed me. Career and personal challenges compounded my feelings of despair and doubts. I was in effect, running around in circles. I could not see beyond my feelings and my own perceived ‘failings’. The one dimensional me didn’t cope very well. I just blamed the whole world for being unfair but really, deep down inside, I was convinced ‘I wasn’t good enough’.

Then like a blessing in disguise, personal circumstances dictated that I had to move home. That move was emotionally difficult and financially challenging. It was at this juncture, that I realised the enormity of my decision made 8 years ago to leave all of my life behind. It made me realised that in spite of all the professional and personal challenges in the last 8 years, I have weathered them, more or less on my own. It made me realised also the relationships that are important to me and those that are not. It was not a case anymore of ‘am I good enough’.. it was how can I be better.

That journey to being better began about 18 months ago. It began with a pair of Asics trainers on my feet. It began with tentative attempts to run. I figured since I couldn’t ride a bike or swim and is totally uncoordinated in any sports, I could at least give running a try. So try I did. It was not pleasant at all. Being a chain smoker previously didn’t help. Being a sedentary couch potatoes didn’t help. Then a friend recommended I join a local run in the park. I looked at him incredulously and thought seriously.. I don’t think it is the thing for me. The thought of running with others and coming last was quite horrifying. But, I decided I will give it a go. Worst thing that can happen is I do come last and I would be so embarrassed, I didn’t have to go back.

But 18 months on - 1820 kilometres covered so far, 3 road races, 2 off road races, more than 40 park runs later complete with ankle sprains, stress fracture and other aches and pains, I am still running. I have never come last yet in any of the races or park runs so I guess I am doing ok. However, the question of ‘am I good enough?’ is of less significance now. It is more of ‘how much better can I be?’. Running is not a panacea for all one’s problems but it changes you. Somehow, it is like your mind has being re-wired. You see daily irritations, frustrations as little necessities of life as you began to put things in your life into perspectives. You see limitations as something to work at and not give it to. You see temporary set backs as a need to adapt or change the way you approach things. You liberate yourself from having identify or define yourself by what you do. You truly understand, realised what it means that, when there’s a will to do something, a true motivation and desire to do, you will find ways to do it. Most importantly to me, it helped me understand that ‘being good enough’ means little because it means sufficient, sufficient to some pre set standards - self imagined, self imposed or standards expected of you from others. Being the best that you can be, means you commit to trying your best given what you have at any given time.

Hence, the pursuit of your own personal best is therefore not static because life is not static. So all of us, in our own ways are work in progress. The key is enjoy and embrace that process. Progress is a certainty, if you want it. So make a list of things what you want to do and do it, what’s stopping you?

Keeping Things Simple

It wasn’t so long ago that life was anything but simple. I had always thought, the problem was not with me, life was just unfair or people were just horrible creatures or ‘I deserve better’ etc…There was always something, someone or some situation that I would and could find fault with. I had failed to acknowledge that there was one common denominator, in every moment of distress and distraught - me!

At last, I confessed, I was self-masochistic. It was not a case of attracting unhealthy and destructive elements and influences. I, unknowingly was very good at seeking out the theatrics and melodramatics of life. It was as if, making good chaos or taking on risks at the expense of personal well-being, somehow made me felt alive and/or worthy. Like a impetuous child in a candy store, I could not and did not want to control my impulses because it always felt so exciting and titillating to be reckless. Worry about crashing down later, when and if that happened!

Unfortunately, after many ‘crashes’ and bruises later, I still continued along the same well-worn path of self-destruction and self-inflicted distress. I was so caught up in complicated emotional and mentally challenging situations. My relationships with others were mired with conflict, confrontation, angst, power-struggle and fault- finding mission. My framework was always ‘should have’, ‘could have’, ‘would never’ and my favourite ’ I didn’t have a choice’.

My preoccupations were with why and how things are not right, not working out, this problem and that, what’s wrong with this, that and the other. I was so preoccupied with all that made me unhappy or distressed, I failed to see that there were things in life which matter and there were things in life that did not. Only when I finally had to physically move home, then chose to take up a new interest and made new acquaintances along the way, that I realised how I have trapped myself into a self-defeating, negative and energy-zapping way of thinking.

Now I am learning to keep things simple. If something, someone or situation causes me distress, then it is probably best to address it head-on or walk-away because in the bigger scheme of things, such niggles are not really important. Little annoyances are part of life but, will cease to be important when the moment passes.

More importantly, I have learnt to be more forgiving and accepting of my own faults and limitations. Perhaps, it is signs of getting a little older or perhaps, it is something I learnt each day as I strap on my trainers and head out for my runs. I have been told that it’s all the endorphins produced in my body after a run that gives me that ‘feel good’ factor. Whatever it may be, the simple act of motion and being able to overcome physical discomfort and mental challenge as I am slowly able to run faster and further is quite liberating and empowering.

There is also something quite comforting and reassuring when I put on my trainers and head out the door. I know where I am going, I know at certain points in my run, I will feel lighter and better. I also know that there will be moments when I will be annoyed with myself because my body and my mind are just not cooperating!! It is in these little battles with my body, my mind and the daily elements that has somehow helped me put other aspects of my life into clearer perspectives. If this is true, how I wish I discovered the pleasure of such simplicity earlier.

But then again, I was probably not ready then. As the cliché goes.. You can lead a bull to water but you ain’t gonna make it drink!!

Why we never ask why?

I remember many, many years ago when I first stepped into the real working world, one of my many mentors said to me - keep things simple, in everything that you do, you need to know what it is, when you need to do it, how to do it and more importantly, why you do it. Understand the reasons, debate the rationale, accept and execute or if disagree, find an alternative and just do it. He would often tell me - cut the waffling, cut the what if's and know when something is a reason and not just an excuse. Simple? You would think so, wouldn't you?

Well, if things were that simple, we would have perfectly defined parameters of what is right and wrong that applies to everyone, everything and every situation. But do we really? Perhaps there are some of us who would like to think so or even believe we have such definitive views. However, how can what I think and what I believe be totally applicable to you? I as an individual, will have different way of framing the world as I see it. I may have motivations, aspirations, personal life experiences and social nurturing that shape my thinking and my actions. Hence, should I even assume, judge or perscribe what someone else should think or do?

The complexities of our own human nature, itself makes us an enigma to ourselves. It takes years and years of quiet contemplation, to strip away the different layers for what we are or what we think we are. How many of us even bother to contemplate? How many of us just pooh pooh the idea? Afterall, there's so much to do in life.. jobs.. careers..places to be... places to go.. people to see etc.. and the lists goes on. Perhaps, we live life at such surface level, we are no longer comfortable to sit quietly, to stop and really, really think about why we say certain things and why we do certain things. Perhaps, we are afraid by what we might find? We might find deep insecurities, self-perceived flaws and all sorts of fears, we just don't want to do anything about it because it's just too difficult. Easier to amble through life doing what we know. Hiding behind well-worned path.

So we seldom ask truly why or even if we do, we often find answers that suit our own original way of thinking. In most cases, we have already made up our minds about someone, something or a situation. The truth or any alternative view is not longer important to us. To acknowledge any other reasons would be to admit ignorance or to admit that we are wrong. Now, we surely cannot have that stamped on our fragile egos, can we? What others don't know about us, they cannot hurt us. As long as I hide my ignorance and inferiority, I am safe.

However, does that mean, we should project our personal demons onto others? Saying things we don't really mean? Or saying things with double entendre and then deny we meant to be nasty or inappropriate when confronted? Perhaps, most of the time, we don't even realise we are manipulating the thoughts and feelings of others because we are so disassociated with our personal thoughts and feelings. Then, we just label others as being super-sensitive?

Perhaps most tragic of all is, those of us who fall into the category of don't know what I don't know and don't care to understand. Asking why, just opens up a whole can of worms or is that pandora's box?

Mind over matter?

In recent months, I decided it was time to break out of my comfort zone. Perhaps, it had something to do with turning the dreaded FOUR 'O' and perhaps it had something to do with various self-defeatist and self-destructive personal modus operandi which I had no one to blame for the consequences but me. Shallow as it may seem, it was definitely a personal goal to get fit, healthy and hopefully, looking better to show the 'world' that I have moved on, moved forward, looking and feeling great. Yes, it was a sign of mid-life crisis or sweet revenge or both!

So as I started to slowly drag this out of shape, out of breath body out into the great outdoors, cursing myself for the junk I used to eat and the ciggies I so loved to smoke, I realised there is so much more to physical exertion and muscle aches. It dawned upon me, that I have to become more aware of what I can physically do and what my mind tells me I can or cannot do. I have become aware of how mentally, I would cling on to what is familiar and what is non-threatening to my own self-constructed image of myself.

Perhaps, as we get older, we forget what it was like as a young child, when we had no fear of what was new to us. As a young child, we did not have certain set 'standards' to pre-judge ourselves or others. We would just plunge into a new experience, a new venture and enjoy learning new things. As we get older, we become so afraid to fail and yet we subconsciously and indirectly, we are competitive. We compare and make critical judgments about ourselves to cushion ourselves from criticism from others - a masked inferiority, perhaps?. Or we compare and become critical of others when we know we are better - arrogance of superiority?. Something I read in a book by Martina Navratilova, strikes a chord here. She wrote, that one does not have to be perfect in pursuit of excellence. In the pursuit of excellence, is putting in one's best effort in what you do and it's not about being the best. I find this rather comforting as I struggle with my efforts to run and get healthy, even though each time I am out running, there are many people who go running whiz past me! I remind myself, that everyone's different and we all need to give ourselves permission to progress at our own pace. It is not a competition but a personal journey.

It has been a personal journey indeed for me. A journey that is helping me to slowly overcome that mental block that stops me trying harder. There are moments or days, where it was just easier to forget about eating properly or running or exercising. The temptation is to sink my teeth into my favourite chocolate cheesecake or the urge to have that after meal cigarette or ditch the run or exercise, curl up on the couch and watch telly! The nice 'fluffy', cosiness of all things so familiar and required no effort. Often, I catch myself getting lulled into such lovely cosy thoughts and I just get up and follow the famous Nike mantra ' just do it'... don't think...don't post-rationalise...just get myself into a discpline and make it a habit. So...I continue to battle through my temptations.....

I suppose in similar ways, being aware of what the mind does to cajole us, to urge us to action or inaction can be quite liberating. I remember, many many years ago in my short venture into learning about Vipassana Meditation, we learnt about understanding and developing an awareness of our thoughts. We were asked to observe, acknowledge and relinquish the thoughts that invade and prevade our minds. It was and still is one of the most difficult things to do. We get so enmeshed in the emotions that thoughts provoke in us, we forget to stop and ask ourselves if our thoughts are productive or counter-productive to us. We just re-act and post rationalised our actions or inactions.

So despite my muscle aches and total sense of insecurity about myself and my physical state, and my sometimes deluded sense of achievement, I believe most things in life is about mind over matter. It is learning the art, of understanding and channelling our energy to overcome futile, unproductive thoughts. It is finding the motivation, the desire to want to make that slow change. Changing the way we think and then the way we want to live is difficult but liberating. However, we all have a personal choice - take responsibility and commit to make changes to our lives for the better or be happy with what we have. Whichever choice we make, it will always go back to mind over matter....how satiated or insatiable the mind is with who and what we are.