Being Good Enough? Being Best I Can Be?

We all make lists. We have lists of things we have done, things we want to do and things we wish to do. We have lists for various aspects of our lives - our career, business, work, home, leisure and the everyday mundane living. Sometimes, it can be quite a revelation when we look back on some of our lists and discover how far we have come or how we have perhaps wavered from what we have set out to do. Most importantly, we will realise that what had been of significance at particular moment in our lives, may be of little importance or may even be of total irrelevance to us as we are now. With utmost certainty, time has moved us along. With utmost certainty we would have changed somewhat. However, as much as we have changed, there are certain burdens or scars of time that we carry with us. Doubts, insecurities and fears that may fuel our ambitions, aspirations and our endless self query of ‘ Am I good enough?’. In the same way, we could be carrying such burdens that over time, chip away at us and we become more accustomed to seeing our own limitations. We forget to ask ‘ can I be the best I can be?’

For me, I am a keeper of many lists. However, for many years my lists were all to do with my career, my work, achievements, recognition and acknowledgement in that very narrow aspect of my life. Every recognition fueled my obsession to work harder, try harder and strive harder. The instant positive affirmations that meant ‘I was good enough’ were the definition of who I am. It was such a significant part of my life, nothing else mattered. I was ‘successful’ because I had a career I loved. I had respect because I delivered results. I was rewarded because I delivered. I had authority. I had status. I was just turning 30. Everything was looking up. Then, life began to feel empty. It was as if I had packed too much into a short career span. I was exhausted. I was running on empty. I had to simply stop.

So stop, I did. From one extreme to another. I gave up all that and decamped to 6,000 miles away. Then I spent the next 8 years battling myself. Like an addiction, I could not kick the habit of wanting more. Having to start all over, where everything that I had done and achieved, accounted for nothing was a very painful personal journey. I was in a foreign land, nobody cared what I had to offer. Nobody respected what I had to offer. In gist, from a ‘somebody’ to a ‘nobody’ or at least that was how I felt. So I trudged along, nagging thoughts of ‘am I not good enough?’ followed me. Career and personal challenges compounded my feelings of despair and doubts. I was in effect, running around in circles. I could not see beyond my feelings and my own perceived ‘failings’. The one dimensional me didn’t cope very well. I just blamed the whole world for being unfair but really, deep down inside, I was convinced ‘I wasn’t good enough’.

Then like a blessing in disguise, personal circumstances dictated that I had to move home. That move was emotionally difficult and financially challenging. It was at this juncture, that I realised the enormity of my decision made 8 years ago to leave all of my life behind. It made me realised that in spite of all the professional and personal challenges in the last 8 years, I have weathered them, more or less on my own. It made me realised also the relationships that are important to me and those that are not. It was not a case anymore of ‘am I good enough’.. it was how can I be better.

That journey to being better began about 18 months ago. It began with a pair of Asics trainers on my feet. It began with tentative attempts to run. I figured since I couldn’t ride a bike or swim and is totally uncoordinated in any sports, I could at least give running a try. So try I did. It was not pleasant at all. Being a chain smoker previously didn’t help. Being a sedentary couch potatoes didn’t help. Then a friend recommended I join a local run in the park. I looked at him incredulously and thought seriously.. I don’t think it is the thing for me. The thought of running with others and coming last was quite horrifying. But, I decided I will give it a go. Worst thing that can happen is I do come last and I would be so embarrassed, I didn’t have to go back.

But 18 months on - 1820 kilometres covered so far, 3 road races, 2 off road races, more than 40 park runs later complete with ankle sprains, stress fracture and other aches and pains, I am still running. I have never come last yet in any of the races or park runs so I guess I am doing ok. However, the question of ‘am I good enough?’ is of less significance now. It is more of ‘how much better can I be?’. Running is not a panacea for all one’s problems but it changes you. Somehow, it is like your mind has being re-wired. You see daily irritations, frustrations as little necessities of life as you began to put things in your life into perspectives. You see limitations as something to work at and not give it to. You see temporary set backs as a need to adapt or change the way you approach things. You liberate yourself from having identify or define yourself by what you do. You truly understand, realised what it means that, when there’s a will to do something, a true motivation and desire to do, you will find ways to do it. Most importantly to me, it helped me understand that ‘being good enough’ means little because it means sufficient, sufficient to some pre set standards - self imagined, self imposed or standards expected of you from others. Being the best that you can be, means you commit to trying your best given what you have at any given time.

Hence, the pursuit of your own personal best is therefore not static because life is not static. So all of us, in our own ways are work in progress. The key is enjoy and embrace that process. Progress is a certainty, if you want it. So make a list of things what you want to do and do it, what’s stopping you?

The Trails of The Miles - A Hobbit's Tale?

Once upon a time a little hobbit left her little safe haven and ventured forth. She embarked on the quest of ‘The Trails of the Miles’ for which only those who have travelled it, was said to possess a special knowledge. A knowledge, much greater in value than silver or gold. However, it is a quest for which there is no return. A quest of courage, endurance, a test of conviction, a test of mental and physical strength. And so this little hobbit began with much doubts and trepidation. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, over many landscapes and yet she continues.

In the time that has passed, she sometimes forgets to rest, impatient to get as far along the quest as she can. Weary and dispirited, she felt so alone. Often times, her body would just give up on her and she could only hobbled on. It is like providence that at such dark moments, she would chance upon a fellow traveller or wise creatures of the forest, who would offer her kindness, nourishment and hope.

Whenever, she was a little lost , she hears a little voice of angel from far away, telling her she’s going the right way. The angel would whisper, go strong and listen to your own footsteps, it will be your guide. Then before long, the little hobbit met the ‘Sage of The Crossroads’, of which she has heard would offer words of wisdom that would be of great help in her quest. He always stood at the crossroads, guiding those who past his way. Sometimes unsmiling, but often kind. Legend has it, he has travelled ‘The Trails of the Miles’ many times and knows of all the dangers. His word is not to be taken lightly.

So the little hobbit journeyed on and next she met Bach o’r Mor, the one from the sea. Bach o’r Mor used to travel the seas until he too, embarked on the same quest. Bach o’r Mor would run along the hobbit offering assurance over parts of the journey where the forest gets a little scary. Together with Bach o’r Mor, little hobbit was also reassured with the company of The Shepherd. The Shepherd always made sure no one gets lost in the forest.

There are also two kindly creatures who appear along her journey from time to time. Zapo ‘The Keeper of The Times’. Zapo will always be there to help the hobbit keep track of how far she’s travelled and how well she’s doing. Together with Zapo, there’s Griff The Rock. Griff would always be there to remove the riff-raff who are a hindrance to those who chose to embark on the quest. He is the guardian of the peace of the quest.

For those who feel, a need to know what to forage in the forest for sustenance in this long quest, it is believed, you just need to leave a message on a tree tied with a red ribbon and Duorp y Fwta will find you and help you along the way. A slight little figure, unassuming with flaming red hair, Duorp y Fwta will show you the nature’s way to nourish your body.

Though, the journey so far has been challenging at times, the little hobbit shoulders on. She has met other travellers along the way. Some of whom, she has shared and exchanged some stories, some of whom, she’s not quite managed to catch up to learn from them as yet but at least now, she feels she isn’t quite so alone.

She knows that as at the start and as at the end, the Prince of the Elfins, Philyras will be there to greet all who complete the quest. Philyras is rumoured to wait patiently through all seasons for all who are on this quest. In his quiet, cool gaze, he waits and he watches. It will some time yet, before little hobbit finds her way to the end to see Philyras waiting there.

So as winter draws near, the little hobbit pulls her coat around her and journeys on. The ground is soft underfoot, the forest seems darker and often more foreboding but the quest is far from over yet. Not far from her mind are all those she has met along the way, who kept her spirits up, offered support and help whenever doubts reared its ugly head. A thought to hold on to, when there’s so much more different terrain to cover.

The hobbit thinks to herself, there were others who came before her, and there will be others to come in her footstep on this ‘Trails of the Miles’. So as she sets out to brave that little hill ahead, the little hobbit offers up silent thanks to all those who watched over her so far and may they guide others to come.

And so the story continues….

From the Horse’s Mouth

Once upon a time not so long ago and in a land not so far away, a stumbling klutz discovered running. Ditched the couch potato lifestyle. Ditched the cigarettes. Donned a pair of trainers and hesitantly attempted to run. Through the gasping, aches, pains and some injuries, I was able to sort of call myself a runner. A novice runner at best and as a novice I developed an obsession for most things to do with running. Websites,blogs,Twittersphere chatter and books. It was in this myriad world of reading that I stumbled upon a book enticingly called ‘Born to Run’ by Christopher McDougall. A book which I thought would affirm in me that there is no myth in running and that everyone can run and this is where it all began.


“Full of incredible characters, amazing athletic achievements, cutting-edge science, and, most of all, pure inspiration, Born to Run is an epic adventure that began with one simple question: Why does my foot hurt? In search of an answer, Christopher McDougall sets off to find a tribe of the world's greatest distance runners and learn their secrets, and in the process shows us that everything we thought we knew about running is wrong…”
- source: www.chrismcdougall.com

Having been quite inspired by this book ,when I received an email that one of the central characters in this book was in UK, to do a series of talk, I promptly registered for the talk .
The man I went to see was Caballo Blanco, an eccentric American who roamed, ran and lived among the Tarahumaras, a tribe that McDougall described as super athletes as this tribe has the ability to run continuously over long distances of hundreds of miles.

Caballo Blanco’s real name is Micah True and as he claimed in the opening of his talk, he is no super athlete nor proclaim to be an expert in running and is definitely not here to talk about the science of running. He is just someone who loves running and who is privileged to live among the Tarahumaras, in the Copper Canyons, Sierra Madre in Mexico. So what was his story? How did he come to be featured in the book?

Caballo cuts a tall, lean figure at age 58, but you would have thought he might have discovered the fountain of youth in the canyons. Perhaps, distance running is the elixir of youth? He looked quite different from how the book portrayed him. In the book, he was portrayed as a wild, unshaven, long -haired hippie who lived in the mountains. Here stood a man completely shaven, dressed in T-shirt, shorts and yes, he even wore shoes. Caballo even made a joke about how he left all his long hair behind in the canyons and when it came to the issue with shoes, he does wear them and no, he does not run barefoot. Neither do the Tarahumaras and he cannot quite understand how barefoot running was associated with this tribe. This is one of a few things that Caballo was quite critical about with what had been written in the book. ‘ The book has taken some poetic licence’ - Caballo said with a cynical smile.

Here’s a link of Caballo in person
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fj_pyfMoLio&feature=related

This is when he explained the reason he was here. The reason for him to take on taking speaking engagement. He wanted to use what the book has done for him and the tribe, as an opportunity to tell the world about the true lives of the Tarahumaras. An opportunity to raise awareness, funds and help to support a sustainable livelihood for these people whom he has great respect and love for. All proceeds of his talk goes to a non for profit organisation he heads called ‘Friends of the Running People’. It is through such support that he hopes, the Tarahumaras can continue to run free and that their lives can be sustained , respected and flourish for many generations to come.

Here’s a link of a film that was shown
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIyEvomUz14

So how does someone called Micah True became Caballo Blanco and became synonymous with the Tarahumaras? Micah as he was called then, stumbled into running quite by accident. He began running in his mid 20’s and it was to escape from the everyday life of working hard and partying hard. He would starve for days and take long hikes to get away. Then realising how unfit he was, he took up martial arts, watched his diet and began to run regularly. Soon he was running more than his friends in martial arts because he enjoyed it, with a mileage of 180 - 190 miles per week.

He still hadn’t taken himself to be a serious runner though he had won a few races. Blighted by injuries, he stopped racing and he felt that he have had enough because he ran for enjoyment. Then he had a terrible accident on a bicycle from which when he recovered, he decided to celebrate by entering the Leadville 100, in Colorado. It is here that his encounter with the Tarahumaras, eventually changed his life.

In 1993, the Tarahumaras were entered into the Leadville 100 by an astute and enterprising organiser. Impoverished and hungry, the Tarahumaras agreed to participate in exchange for food. Up till then, no one had heard of the Tarahumaras, soon they caught the media attention, sponsorship came pouring in and Leadville 100 was launched into the limelight. As in the book, Caballo’s re-telling of this story, makes you feel quite angry at how the vulnerability of the Tarahumaras was exploited for the personal gains of others - organisers, media and sponsors. In a sense this, makes you question the commercialisation of running- glorifying the sport, making it cool, making it sexy and putting it on a ‘stage’. The must have kit, the proliferation of fancy running techniques, training regimes, the performance enhancing diet etc.. and the list goes on.

As to be expected then, that Caballo was asked questions relating to what shoes is best to running techniques he would recommend and diet to adopt if one wants to run better. His answer - where what feels good for you. Lower base shoes will help minimise the rolling of the foot on uneven surfaces. With running techniques - run tall, run smooth, relax and feel your own pace. His philosophy ‘ Be easy, be light and be smooth’ - he said with a smile.

Perhaps, we have really overcomplicated things. Perhaps, as the book said, we are born to run but through modern lifestyle, our muscular structure, our physical bodies have no need to develop and adapt to enable us to run. Caballo pointed out that the Tarahumaras are not super human, they are just more adapt to run because of where they live and because of their lifestyle. ‘If you can run 15 miles, you can run 50 miles’ - so Caballo said. I must admit I cannot fathom running 50 miles but I guess when you think about it, he is quite right. It is a matter of motivation and desire. If we all really wanted to, we will train ourselves to run whatever distances we set our minds to.

I wouldn’t say Caballo is a great orator or inspiring speaker but he kept things very real, down to earth and reminded me that simplicity is best. His stories, his attitude towards running, affirms me in why I run. Affirms me that in enjoying running, I have perhaps stumbled upon a whole new world and lifestyle choice that promises much more then just P Bs.

Keeping Things Simple

It wasn’t so long ago that life was anything but simple. I had always thought, the problem was not with me, life was just unfair or people were just horrible creatures or ‘I deserve better’ etc…There was always something, someone or some situation that I would and could find fault with. I had failed to acknowledge that there was one common denominator, in every moment of distress and distraught - me!

At last, I confessed, I was self-masochistic. It was not a case of attracting unhealthy and destructive elements and influences. I, unknowingly was very good at seeking out the theatrics and melodramatics of life. It was as if, making good chaos or taking on risks at the expense of personal well-being, somehow made me felt alive and/or worthy. Like a impetuous child in a candy store, I could not and did not want to control my impulses because it always felt so exciting and titillating to be reckless. Worry about crashing down later, when and if that happened!

Unfortunately, after many ‘crashes’ and bruises later, I still continued along the same well-worn path of self-destruction and self-inflicted distress. I was so caught up in complicated emotional and mentally challenging situations. My relationships with others were mired with conflict, confrontation, angst, power-struggle and fault- finding mission. My framework was always ‘should have’, ‘could have’, ‘would never’ and my favourite ’ I didn’t have a choice’.

My preoccupations were with why and how things are not right, not working out, this problem and that, what’s wrong with this, that and the other. I was so preoccupied with all that made me unhappy or distressed, I failed to see that there were things in life which matter and there were things in life that did not. Only when I finally had to physically move home, then chose to take up a new interest and made new acquaintances along the way, that I realised how I have trapped myself into a self-defeating, negative and energy-zapping way of thinking.

Now I am learning to keep things simple. If something, someone or situation causes me distress, then it is probably best to address it head-on or walk-away because in the bigger scheme of things, such niggles are not really important. Little annoyances are part of life but, will cease to be important when the moment passes.

More importantly, I have learnt to be more forgiving and accepting of my own faults and limitations. Perhaps, it is signs of getting a little older or perhaps, it is something I learnt each day as I strap on my trainers and head out for my runs. I have been told that it’s all the endorphins produced in my body after a run that gives me that ‘feel good’ factor. Whatever it may be, the simple act of motion and being able to overcome physical discomfort and mental challenge as I am slowly able to run faster and further is quite liberating and empowering.

There is also something quite comforting and reassuring when I put on my trainers and head out the door. I know where I am going, I know at certain points in my run, I will feel lighter and better. I also know that there will be moments when I will be annoyed with myself because my body and my mind are just not cooperating!! It is in these little battles with my body, my mind and the daily elements that has somehow helped me put other aspects of my life into clearer perspectives. If this is true, how I wish I discovered the pleasure of such simplicity earlier.

But then again, I was probably not ready then. As the cliché goes.. You can lead a bull to water but you ain’t gonna make it drink!!