For everything else there is mastercard...my self-respect...priceless

A month from tomorrow, it will be the 8th anniversary from the day I stepped on a plane and left all I knew behind. It has been quite a journey with few regrets. This journey has caused me much tears and anger but it has also taught me resilience, strength and self-respect. Self-respect can be so elusive at times and fragile but priceless.

I did truly believed for a long time that I was loved and respected for who I am. Even believed it when I had to walk away from marriage which had been my anchor. I rationalised that no one is perfect and no relationships are perfect but still hung on to the fact that it didn't mean that I was not loved or did not love any less.

I have had countless moments where my friends have had to endure my recurring rationalisation and post-rationalisation. Friends who stood by me, listened and grounded me whenever life got a little rough. Friends who did not judge and did not mince their words when they knew I had to hear the truths. Friends who showed me what love and friendship really meant. The real truth was, there can be no love if there is no respect. The real truth was my self-respect got lost a long the way and I held on to an elusion of love. I could not and perhaps did not want to see that the one thing I so loyally hung on to was slowly eroding my already fragile self-respect.

Hence, the last year has been what I would call, the last lap. The year has challenged me financially, emotionally and has challenged me to look at the harsh realities of my decisions and of life. It was a year where my sense of loyalty, trust and faith was tested. Not just to people and things I care about in life, but also loyalty, trust and faith in myself. I could no longer rationalised and post-rationalised over things. All that I did not and chose not to see, came at me. The elusion that I have lived, slowly got stripped away or ripped apart.

In the nakedness of the truth, I was faced with the brutality of betrayal. Betrayed by people I care about or care for when I realised that the one person I should be able to rely on should I need a friend, would never and could never be there for me. All the years of my loyalty as a friend was rewarded with total disregard, disrespect and manipulation. My sense of responsibility and commitment, was something to be exploited and used. My weaknesses was used as amunition, to elicit a desired action or reaction. It was as if, what I had to offer was nothing more than a commodity - to be exchanged or used for some other's self-indulgent purposes. It was as if, me as a person had not other value.

The irony is, out of all the anger, tears and betrayal, these experiences have given me a clearer sense of who and what I am. They have made me realised that I have an inner strength I never knew I possessed. They have made me realised that my dignity and self-respect can never be bought...or compromised for something less.

I did indeed take a long 8 year sabbatical....but it is time now to resume my life.

Waiting for a knight in shining armour?

Yes, that is such a cliche. Being independent grown women, we should know better than to even entertain such a thought! However, does that stop us from longing for that special someone who will protect us and soothe our souls? Someone who may not be a gallant knight in the traditional sense, but someone we know we could totally trust to respect us and who will care deeply for us. This is despite not quite understanding why we feel the way we do at times and despite not having a clue what we are going on and on about when the solutions are so blatantly obvious to them!

So why then, is it so difficult to find this modern knight? Is it perhaps, we strive too hard to be strong and independent, that we cannot or don't know how to surrender our lives to being co -dependent on someone else. Is it because, relationships are more fragile these days and we have convinced ourselves from the onset that there are no guarantees? If there are no guarantees, why should we then put all our hopes and fears into the hands' of another, only to know that either party can just walk away and start all over somewhere else or with someone else.

Is the problem than not with finding the knight (assuming he is the right one!) but truly accepting that our knights in the harsh light of reality are flawed and can be totally infuriating at times but we can't imagine life without them? Yes, this means putting up with the trail of mess they tend to leave behind or the boisterious mates who seem to hang around long after the beers are all gone! Yes, it also means the not so sexy, attempts at getting our endorphins charged when all we want to do is crawl under the duvet and cuddle up to sleep. This is when we scream in our heads...we don't have an automatic switch that says push 'on' and 'off' when one wants to play.

Perhaps, we do over complicate things by expecting too much, giving too little or giving too much, and expecting too little that we become cynical and wary of finding that knight in shining armour. Or we should hold our heads up high and subscribe to the principle that why should we settle for any less.. as one commercial says 'Because we are worth it!'