The Trails of The Miles - A Hobbit's Tale?

Once upon a time a little hobbit left her little safe haven and ventured forth. She embarked on the quest of ‘The Trails of the Miles’ for which only those who have travelled it, was said to possess a special knowledge. A knowledge, much greater in value than silver or gold. However, it is a quest for which there is no return. A quest of courage, endurance, a test of conviction, a test of mental and physical strength. And so this little hobbit began with much doubts and trepidation. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, over many landscapes and yet she continues.

In the time that has passed, she sometimes forgets to rest, impatient to get as far along the quest as she can. Weary and dispirited, she felt so alone. Often times, her body would just give up on her and she could only hobbled on. It is like providence that at such dark moments, she would chance upon a fellow traveller or wise creatures of the forest, who would offer her kindness, nourishment and hope.

Whenever, she was a little lost , she hears a little voice of angel from far away, telling her she’s going the right way. The angel would whisper, go strong and listen to your own footsteps, it will be your guide. Then before long, the little hobbit met the ‘Sage of The Crossroads’, of which she has heard would offer words of wisdom that would be of great help in her quest. He always stood at the crossroads, guiding those who past his way. Sometimes unsmiling, but often kind. Legend has it, he has travelled ‘The Trails of the Miles’ many times and knows of all the dangers. His word is not to be taken lightly.

So the little hobbit journeyed on and next she met Bach o’r Mor, the one from the sea. Bach o’r Mor used to travel the seas until he too, embarked on the same quest. Bach o’r Mor would run along the hobbit offering assurance over parts of the journey where the forest gets a little scary. Together with Bach o’r Mor, little hobbit was also reassured with the company of The Shepherd. The Shepherd always made sure no one gets lost in the forest.

There are also two kindly creatures who appear along her journey from time to time. Zapo ‘The Keeper of The Times’. Zapo will always be there to help the hobbit keep track of how far she’s travelled and how well she’s doing. Together with Zapo, there’s Griff The Rock. Griff would always be there to remove the riff-raff who are a hindrance to those who chose to embark on the quest. He is the guardian of the peace of the quest.

For those who feel, a need to know what to forage in the forest for sustenance in this long quest, it is believed, you just need to leave a message on a tree tied with a red ribbon and Duorp y Fwta will find you and help you along the way. A slight little figure, unassuming with flaming red hair, Duorp y Fwta will show you the nature’s way to nourish your body.

Though, the journey so far has been challenging at times, the little hobbit shoulders on. She has met other travellers along the way. Some of whom, she has shared and exchanged some stories, some of whom, she’s not quite managed to catch up to learn from them as yet but at least now, she feels she isn’t quite so alone.

She knows that as at the start and as at the end, the Prince of the Elfins, Philyras will be there to greet all who complete the quest. Philyras is rumoured to wait patiently through all seasons for all who are on this quest. In his quiet, cool gaze, he waits and he watches. It will some time yet, before little hobbit finds her way to the end to see Philyras waiting there.

So as winter draws near, the little hobbit pulls her coat around her and journeys on. The ground is soft underfoot, the forest seems darker and often more foreboding but the quest is far from over yet. Not far from her mind are all those she has met along the way, who kept her spirits up, offered support and help whenever doubts reared its ugly head. A thought to hold on to, when there’s so much more different terrain to cover.

The hobbit thinks to herself, there were others who came before her, and there will be others to come in her footstep on this ‘Trails of the Miles’. So as she sets out to brave that little hill ahead, the little hobbit offers up silent thanks to all those who watched over her so far and may they guide others to come.

And so the story continues….

Drover's Run

My first year foray into this strange sport of running has been ups and downs, undulating like the Welsh countryside. Like the Welsh countryside, the experience seduces with the promise of so much more amazing vistas to explore and yet the journey to the ‘promised land’ so to speak, is fraught with much gasping, cursing, sprains and pains. Perversely and tentatively I decided after being in and out of injury that I would enjoy the whole experience anyway and be gracious that I live in a place which offers many great opportunities to run and in some ways, to escape the worries and angst of every day life. It’s just me - the open road, the trails and the great outdoors. It is with such inspiring thoughts that I decided to sign up for Drover’s Run, an approximately 6 mile multi-terrain race and then the panic began!

Drover’s Run was supposedly to have been held in summer of this year which I thought, great as it will be nice and warm and the countryside will be really nice to run around it. Then, it had to be postponed because of lack of participant and the new date was set for 27 November and I thought then, maybe it was a good thing as it gave me more time to get myself used to running on different terrains. Though I was not too sold on the idea of running around in mud, rain and worse, wind.

Like a curse, on a summery day at a parkrun having just achieved a PB, my left foot finally gave up. It hurt like hell and I thought it as a little sprain or tendonitis or one of those niggles. The pain became quite unbearable and the foot getting more and more swollen. A visit to A & E the next day, confirmed it as a stress fracture. There was nothing I could do but rest, feeling sorry for myself and absolutely angry at myself. Anyhow, I thought, no problem I have months to recover before Drover’s, all will be well.

My optimism carried me through the many weeks of recovery. After 8 weeks of not running and feeling like a tub of lard, I got back into running. Slowly at first after having failed at first attempt 6 weeks into my fracture because the pain returned. All was going great, 8 weeks back into running (16 weeks from fracture) and the familiar throbbing returned. I was deflated because Drover’s was just a 3 weeks away. Nevertheless, optimism prevailed. Panic over. Well at least I thought so.

Finally, the day arrived. Set my alarm for an early rise. Looked at the window and it was lashing down with rain. It was howling wind outside and suddenly I felt quite apprehensive. Recovering fractured foot. Haven’t been running well for a few months. Mud. Rain and the dreaded HILLS. It was just not bear thinking about.

So quick breakfast and went through the calming routine of getting dressed and ready. I thought, maybe the brisk walk to the club to catch a lift would help calm my nerves. So blasting music in my headphones, singing to myself in my head, got myself to the club and then ride arrived, and off we went. Nerves were a bit on edge but under control so far.

Then we arrived at Brynna Community Hall and the wind farm on the distant hills greeted us. They looked as though they were mocking me. They were majestic and set so, very, very high up. Try as I might not to stare at them, I did . I normally do not warm up and do stretches before a run or race but that morning, I needed to , just for something to do to distract myself from thinking about the climb up them hills.

And so there we all were, at 9:30am at the start and we went off fairly quickly , as it was a little downhill run down a country lane. Perhaps at about 100 metres or so from the start, the gentle incline started. I was quite pleased because I thought, it was not too bad, Penarth Hill is a lot steeper and I could run up that. The inclined continued gently, legs and cardio still feeling not too bad. The inclines went on and on and on and then it was no longer an incline but a proper hill. I braved on for a bit, legs got a bit wobbly. Cardio was still ok. Legs got wobblier and hill got steeper. I could see others ahead of me stopped to walk and others behind me did the same. I thought, decision time - I could run out of steam trying to be what I am not and attempt to run up what seemed like an endless steep climb or swallow my pride and walk. So walked I did. Not proud of it. Hung my head down in shame and walked.

I don’t even know how long the climb was but it was a long walk. As I approached the official photographer half way up, I shook my head and he said ‘Come on.. Just a little burst’ and so like a pretender that I was, I did a short sprint and was captured on film strangely smiling and appeared to be running! That of course didn’t last long and slowly but surely I made it to the top of the hill, where the tarmac path stops and we are directed to off-road. Earlier on some lady did run past me up the hill and looked back to ask if I was alright. I just smiled and waved her on.

The off road route was just boggy, with grass, mud and puddles as we made our way up a gentle slope, heading towards the wind farm. This was the part of the race, I started to relax into and enjoyed because I could run most of it and even had time to look up around me and saw these majestic wind farms up ahead. It was quite a sight to behold. Green hills all round, and then these giant structures in front of you, it was quite mesmerising running towards them.

Then the route starts a slow gentle descend and I absolutely loved this part. Running down the hill, I could feel the sun on my back and in my face with a gentle breeze accompanying my descend. Picture perfect postcard views all around me and as I was running with music in my ears, I was almost humming a tune in my head!

All through the route, the stewards were fantastic - a few familiar faces from the park run were there ( the guys were from Brackla Harriers). It was at about 5km mark I think, at one of the kissing gates, the steward there said to me, all the hard bit over now. I thought, thank goodness! The path then changed from muddy slopes to mud and gravel for the next 3 km. It was very tempting to pick up speed as it was now fairly flat, just uneven in parts and little undulations but I thought better of it. I didn’t fancy slipping, sliding in mud or worse sprain my ankles in the process. So I slowly jogged and picked my way through. It was at this point that I looked behind me and in front of me. I looked behind me to check if I was last and I looked in front of me to see how many people I could possibly catch up with and perhaps, beat to the finish line. There was one behind and I think there were 4 ahead of me, including the lady who ran past me as I was walking up the hill.

And then like an angel, at the last kissing gate, a familiar Brackla Harrier face smiled and said it was now just 1.5 miles to the end and it was downhill all the way. I thought, I either take smaller steps to give myself some brakes going downhill or I let gravity do the work for me. Tentative at first but once I started, it was an exhilarating gravity assisted sprint downhill for the last 1.5 miles. It was quite fantastic! I think I shocked the lady who ran past me earlier when I sprinted past her.

It felt really great to finish at last. It was in no way a speedy race for me but it was not disappointing one either at 70 minutes. Total respect to all the winners. The guy who won it did it in 37 mins! Some amazing running that must have been. Free hot soup and bun devoured and it was time to get home after the prize giving. I came away with a sense of accomplishment and a little Welsh slate coaster. I have not done many races but I can truly say, I enjoyed this one very much. It was a small race with just over a 100 + participants in an amazing setting. Though it was quite a tough route, at least for me anyway, it is definitely a race I would return to and turn Drover’s Run into a personal sequel called ‘Drover’s Return’.

Drover’s Run is an approx 6 miles MT which was held on 27 Nov 2011- start from Brynna Commmunity Centre,near Llaharan. The race was organised in aid of The Chloe Bigmore Trust. More info here http://www.chloebigmore.co.uk/

You think, Therefore you are - Never mind what you say!

Decartes is probably be turning in his grave as I plagiarised and borrow his famous quote ‘I think, therefore I am’. The original Descartes concept had more to do with the abstract concept of existence and what is real, a discourse into what defines who we are, the relationship between our thoughts and physical world. Well, at least that was how I understood what Descartes was trying to explain! Here, I explore why time and time again , people surprised and shocked with me with things they say which often contradict the image they project or want others to see and even more shockingly, how what they say unravels the nature of my relationships with them. It creates a sense of doubt over the sincerity of people I know. If so and so, whom I have known for a few years can judge and utter derogatory or negative comments about others what then could they have said about me or what then they must also think of me? It feels almost like a betrayal, like I have been lied to.

I understand and accept that all of us have a private self and a public self. We have aspects of ourselves which we may be protective over or have no wish to share with others outside of our closest family and friends. We may also be quite reserved and shy, and we enjoy keeping our private thoughts to ourselves. However, regardless if one is reserved, introverted or extroverted, we all have thoughts, opinions and personal moral codes or ethics that define who we are. These inner workings of our beings, guide us in what we say, how we live our lives and how we manage, treat and sustain our relationships with people around us. Over time, these inner workings may be changed, shaped and nurtured by changing personal experiences but to deny them, to suppress them or to mask them with what is expected from us by society, just means we are not being our authentic self. We become, a living lie - not quite happy, not quite sure where we are, who we are in the world. We may even succumb to the thoughts and opinions of others, pretend or even led ourselves to believe that these thoughts and opinions are ours just so we are seen as ‘acceptable’. Then ever so often, little cracks may appear when we let it slip. A careless whisper. A callous remark we couldn’t quite hold back. A utter of deep disgust that we have kept so well hidden which is so out of character from what we have wanted others to see.

Why do we need to hide part of who we are? Are we so ashamed of our own thoughts and opinions because we know that we would have been quite harsh in our judgements of others who may have these same disagreeable flaws? Are we so embarrassed by a part of our authentic self that may be deemed ‘unacceptable’ by the morality of society that we are prepared to live with pretence? I have a lot of admiration and respect for those who do not practice such self -censorship. People who are true to who they are regardless what others may think of them. It is because of such people who have immense courage to be themselves, to express their thoughts and opinions that we have great shifts and changes in society. These are the people who shaped society’s views and attitudes towards gender issues, sexuality, respect for individuality and opened up our minds to challenge what is acceptable and to truly appreciate what it is to feel and show respect for each other as human beings.

However, being true to ourselves, does not mean that we say and do things without regard for the sensitivities of others. It is not a carte blanche to voice our opinion at all cost. Freedom of speech and expression is wonderful but to practice such freedom with disregard and disrespect of others is being irresponsible. It is a fine balance and I believe in treating others the way I want to be treated. Hence, I often catch myself and stop myself from saying something that I know will cause someone discomfort. I stop and check myself, what was my motivation to say something or do something?. I am afraid sometimes I am ashamed of my true intentions - they are anything but admirable. Driven by anger, driven by envy or driven by egotistical ends I wanted my words to hurt, to anger and to upset the intended recipient. I wanted to have the ‘last say’ or I wanted to be ‘right’ - pure arrogance, pure petulance. I would stop these deep ghastly stirrings of initial thoughts, and tell myself, that hurting someone else achieves no real result. I must admit, I am not always successful. For the feral, nasty beast in me sometimes unleashes itself and I cannot imagine how many people I may have hurt and angered. Hurting someone else, creates a cycle of hate and anger that will simmer on long after the incident is forgotten even though for just that moment it may have made me, the perpetrator feel victorious.

Perhaps, this is what the existentialist founding fathers were talking about when they philosophise about ‘angst’ and the inevitability of ‘angst’ in our existence. Perhaps, to be authentic to who we are, we cannot help but grapple with moral values, inner demons and how we must chastise our thoughts and intentions. Or perhaps, we just need to acknowledge what we are, forgive ourselves and in doing so, we can find the compassion to accept and we learn to respect others. By supporting others to be true to who they are in a positive way may perhaps help us unshackle ourselves from our fear being of a pariah of society. Now, that is quite an empowering thought...

Lessons from the saddle of a Bicycle

Just under a year ago, I told myself I needed to learn how to ride a bicycle. There was no specific reason or motivation for me to do. It was just one of those things I was quite embarrassed that I could not do when most people learnt to do so as a child. Then I attended a lesson and found out that I was not alone. There are others like me, who cannot cycle either. That was a relief. Then winter came so I used that as an excuse to shelf my plan to learn how to ride. Months went by and I did not get anywhere near a bicycle. Then I decided, I better do something about it else, it will just be all talk and my want to ride a bicycle, will just remain unfulfilled, idle talk. With the idea to save myself money from having to pay for lessons, I would invest in a bicycle. I reckon once I part with some cash, I will have to get out there and make it worthwhile.

So I got myself a bicycle, with trepidation and hope no one saw me as I wobbled and learnt to balance. Finally after 4 attempts I taught myself to cycle. Now I can just about cycle and steer straight, not quite good with corners and not quite confident enough to ride around yet. Nevertheless, after many years of thinking I could never cycle, I did it and it feels great!

Perhaps, not everyone who can cycle understand what it meant to me to be able to stay upright on a bicycle and to ride it but all I can say is that it was very liberating. It was not as daunting as I had thought. The experience proved to me that it was I who shackled myself to long held belief that I could not do it. Why did I have such beliefs? I don’t really know. Perhaps, it was easier to accept the belief I can’t do it rather than try and fail and feel so in apt?

So this made me wonder what other beliefs or lack of self-beliefs that I may have consciously or unconsciously developed that may have stopped me from doing and enjoying new experiences in life? Have I been traumatised as a child or have had some experiences growing up that filled me self -doubts over my abilities to do use my limbs in coordinated manner? Perhaps, it was my lack of coordination as a child in playing sports that I retreated from all things that require me to master the control over my limbs. I buried myself in academic excellence because that one I can do with hard work! I did not have to suffer the humiliation of looking like a fool or coming in last in sports.

Learning to cycle is in a way, a step for me to try and slowly overcome other self-imposed fears I have. The one fear that I hope to overcome next is my fear of drowning. A fear that I have allowed to stop me from being able to swim. A fear which I know will be more of a challenge to overcome. This experience will no doubt be a subject of another blog when I finally overcome it!

I would recommend to anyone, to give something you have always wanted to do but for whatever reason was afraid or never got around to it, a try. It’s a wonderful feeling to finally see what you can achieve and it does change the way you think about other aspects of your life.

Little changes, lead to bigger ones and all it takes it just taking that small step.

From the Horse’s Mouth

Once upon a time not so long ago and in a land not so far away, a stumbling klutz discovered running. Ditched the couch potato lifestyle. Ditched the cigarettes. Donned a pair of trainers and hesitantly attempted to run. Through the gasping, aches, pains and some injuries, I was able to sort of call myself a runner. A novice runner at best and as a novice I developed an obsession for most things to do with running. Websites,blogs,Twittersphere chatter and books. It was in this myriad world of reading that I stumbled upon a book enticingly called ‘Born to Run’ by Christopher McDougall. A book which I thought would affirm in me that there is no myth in running and that everyone can run and this is where it all began.


“Full of incredible characters, amazing athletic achievements, cutting-edge science, and, most of all, pure inspiration, Born to Run is an epic adventure that began with one simple question: Why does my foot hurt? In search of an answer, Christopher McDougall sets off to find a tribe of the world's greatest distance runners and learn their secrets, and in the process shows us that everything we thought we knew about running is wrong…”
- source: www.chrismcdougall.com

Having been quite inspired by this book ,when I received an email that one of the central characters in this book was in UK, to do a series of talk, I promptly registered for the talk .
The man I went to see was Caballo Blanco, an eccentric American who roamed, ran and lived among the Tarahumaras, a tribe that McDougall described as super athletes as this tribe has the ability to run continuously over long distances of hundreds of miles.

Caballo Blanco’s real name is Micah True and as he claimed in the opening of his talk, he is no super athlete nor proclaim to be an expert in running and is definitely not here to talk about the science of running. He is just someone who loves running and who is privileged to live among the Tarahumaras, in the Copper Canyons, Sierra Madre in Mexico. So what was his story? How did he come to be featured in the book?

Caballo cuts a tall, lean figure at age 58, but you would have thought he might have discovered the fountain of youth in the canyons. Perhaps, distance running is the elixir of youth? He looked quite different from how the book portrayed him. In the book, he was portrayed as a wild, unshaven, long -haired hippie who lived in the mountains. Here stood a man completely shaven, dressed in T-shirt, shorts and yes, he even wore shoes. Caballo even made a joke about how he left all his long hair behind in the canyons and when it came to the issue with shoes, he does wear them and no, he does not run barefoot. Neither do the Tarahumaras and he cannot quite understand how barefoot running was associated with this tribe. This is one of a few things that Caballo was quite critical about with what had been written in the book. ‘ The book has taken some poetic licence’ - Caballo said with a cynical smile.

Here’s a link of Caballo in person
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fj_pyfMoLio&feature=related

This is when he explained the reason he was here. The reason for him to take on taking speaking engagement. He wanted to use what the book has done for him and the tribe, as an opportunity to tell the world about the true lives of the Tarahumaras. An opportunity to raise awareness, funds and help to support a sustainable livelihood for these people whom he has great respect and love for. All proceeds of his talk goes to a non for profit organisation he heads called ‘Friends of the Running People’. It is through such support that he hopes, the Tarahumaras can continue to run free and that their lives can be sustained , respected and flourish for many generations to come.

Here’s a link of a film that was shown
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIyEvomUz14

So how does someone called Micah True became Caballo Blanco and became synonymous with the Tarahumaras? Micah as he was called then, stumbled into running quite by accident. He began running in his mid 20’s and it was to escape from the everyday life of working hard and partying hard. He would starve for days and take long hikes to get away. Then realising how unfit he was, he took up martial arts, watched his diet and began to run regularly. Soon he was running more than his friends in martial arts because he enjoyed it, with a mileage of 180 - 190 miles per week.

He still hadn’t taken himself to be a serious runner though he had won a few races. Blighted by injuries, he stopped racing and he felt that he have had enough because he ran for enjoyment. Then he had a terrible accident on a bicycle from which when he recovered, he decided to celebrate by entering the Leadville 100, in Colorado. It is here that his encounter with the Tarahumaras, eventually changed his life.

In 1993, the Tarahumaras were entered into the Leadville 100 by an astute and enterprising organiser. Impoverished and hungry, the Tarahumaras agreed to participate in exchange for food. Up till then, no one had heard of the Tarahumaras, soon they caught the media attention, sponsorship came pouring in and Leadville 100 was launched into the limelight. As in the book, Caballo’s re-telling of this story, makes you feel quite angry at how the vulnerability of the Tarahumaras was exploited for the personal gains of others - organisers, media and sponsors. In a sense this, makes you question the commercialisation of running- glorifying the sport, making it cool, making it sexy and putting it on a ‘stage’. The must have kit, the proliferation of fancy running techniques, training regimes, the performance enhancing diet etc.. and the list goes on.

As to be expected then, that Caballo was asked questions relating to what shoes is best to running techniques he would recommend and diet to adopt if one wants to run better. His answer - where what feels good for you. Lower base shoes will help minimise the rolling of the foot on uneven surfaces. With running techniques - run tall, run smooth, relax and feel your own pace. His philosophy ‘ Be easy, be light and be smooth’ - he said with a smile.

Perhaps, we have really overcomplicated things. Perhaps, as the book said, we are born to run but through modern lifestyle, our muscular structure, our physical bodies have no need to develop and adapt to enable us to run. Caballo pointed out that the Tarahumaras are not super human, they are just more adapt to run because of where they live and because of their lifestyle. ‘If you can run 15 miles, you can run 50 miles’ - so Caballo said. I must admit I cannot fathom running 50 miles but I guess when you think about it, he is quite right. It is a matter of motivation and desire. If we all really wanted to, we will train ourselves to run whatever distances we set our minds to.

I wouldn’t say Caballo is a great orator or inspiring speaker but he kept things very real, down to earth and reminded me that simplicity is best. His stories, his attitude towards running, affirms me in why I run. Affirms me that in enjoying running, I have perhaps stumbled upon a whole new world and lifestyle choice that promises much more then just P Bs.

Stripped back, stripped bare all because I ran

The last few months have been quite challenging. There were a few running niggles and sprains, there were incidents that triggered happy and some not so happy memories, then there was the loss of mum and now a small fracture in my foot has forced me to stop running. Time to rest and recover. This in itself, is even harder as idle time leaves me vulnerable to emotions and thoughts I don’t particularly like.

In fact, in the last 12 - 13 months, running enabled me to focus on more basic things. It helped me focus on getting healthier, fitter and to work through a lot of anger. This new obsession left little time to think, brood or over-analyse the past, or get worked up about the little daily irritations and the future, is just measured in terms of running goals - how much fitter can I get? What new running routes can I experience? How can I share my running experience with my sister who started me off? What races can do I?

The ultimate goal is to keep and remain healthy, to venture into experiences I would not have even thought of - from half marathon (later this year and next), marathons to hikes or climbs (in the next year & foreseeable future to come). Even though I have made a small start, there is still a long way yet to go. However, in this small step, something happened to me. It is as if I have stripped back, stripped away and stripped bare all the complications, emotional and mental shackles that I did not even realised were there.

Strange and unfamiliar? Oh yes. It was and it is still quite strange to find myself stop in mid thought especially when I am angry, irate or upset. Often in doing so, I realised how in my mind, I may have coloured the actual situation that has caused me to react with complicated permutations. Exaggerated significance of something that is said or not said. Worried about my place or significance in a situation or to someone. In truth, more often than not, it was a passing moment in time. I am no more important or significant than the fly on the wall! If only I had spent less time worrying and getting upset in the past, I would have had less frown lines and I would have had more enriching, productive and positive relationships. In the past, my personal mantra has always been ‘why me?’… ‘I cannot do this’… ‘He/she made me angry because…’ or ‘How do I get people to like me’ or…’Why do people not like me’. List goes on. You get the picture!

A liberation from personal sanctioned limitations? Most definitely. More importantly I have come to realised, to appreciate and to acknowledge that I do possess personal strength and courage that I didn’t think I had. That it was ok, to stop, look back and celebrate how I have survived a few setbacks. For this, I have mum and dad to thank for giving me and sis, as we were growing up the courage to try things on our own and that there is no shame in admitting ignorance. Not a matter of life or death, if we failed. In a way, mum was an inspiration because she left home at a young age, worked away from home, read a little Chinese but otherwise illiterate but she had in her later years, travelled on her own, she spoke a few Chinese dialects, she spoke English and even at one point was a nanny to an Australian family. For someone who didn’t drive and couldn’t read road signs, mum had no fear of getting lost or going on her much loved driving adventure. Sis and I in the driver’s seat would of course, groaned! Dad was a totally different animal, a rebel from a young age, he mellowed into wonderfully patient father. It was as if, he was quite happy with the simplicity of life - work, his black coffee in the morning and his cigarettes. His push-ups and dumb bells work out. Of course, the pleasure of polishing his car till it gleamed. His attitude was ‘ All in good time and nothing is a matter of life and death’. It is perhaps from mum and dad that sis and I, find that inner strength. I am only sad, that I didn’t realised this until mum’s recent passing.

What about friendships and relationships with others? This is perhaps an area in my life that I have struggled with the most. Defining personal boundaries. Differentiating love and need. Defining what friendship truly means to me and recognising relationships that are not supportive. Most difficult of all, is for me to acknowledge that there are not so pleasant sides to people that are often hidden and to find compassion to accept, to forgive and not be affected when I catch glimpses of these ugly sides. Hence, I suspect, one of the reasons why I take so quickly to running is because it is quite a solitary pursuit. In that 40 minutes, 1 hour or 2 hours, I escape away from the world. There is just me and the outdoors. As I struggle with the first few kilometres, all I need to do is just plod along until my body gets into rhythm and just run. No one’s troubles trouble me. Anguish of others and with others just fall away. The mind clears. The body relaxes, until of course the mind or legs scream at me to stop whichever happens first!

So what changed? What caused me to strip back and strip bare some (not quite all yet!) of my old worn out excuses and out dated mode of thinking? Frankly, I do not know. I am not even sure it was a ‘eureka’ moment or a moment of epiphany. All I know is, sometimes we need to stop what we are doing and take time out and find the courage to really look at why we do or don’t do certain things in our lives. What are we afraid of? Failure? Shame? Where did these unhelpful thoughts and feelings come from?

We may say, we don’t have time or we don’t believe it’s ‘us’. Time - everyone has 24 hrs in a day so why is it that there are some people who accomplishes more than we do? If something is not for ‘us’ - why? Too old? Too unfit? There are also people who are well advanced in their age who go sky-diving and run marathons. Too unfit? The question is do we want to get fitter? If no and we are happy then that’s great. If fitness is a goal, then what can we do about it?

A quote that stayed me recently is ‘Be the change that you want to see’ and I believe, if we learn to let go and open our minds to new possibilities, although at first we may be afraid, doubtful or tentative about what we can become, over-coming each small tentative steps I can assure you is very liberating and rewarding. There are 2 questions to ask ourselves - do I think I have unconsciously or consciously shackled myself to excuses and limitations that I need to strip away and secondly, does it matter enough for me to want to make a change for the better.

You may not like the answers. Personal honesty can be brutal.

Keeping Things Simple

It wasn’t so long ago that life was anything but simple. I had always thought, the problem was not with me, life was just unfair or people were just horrible creatures or ‘I deserve better’ etc…There was always something, someone or some situation that I would and could find fault with. I had failed to acknowledge that there was one common denominator, in every moment of distress and distraught - me!

At last, I confessed, I was self-masochistic. It was not a case of attracting unhealthy and destructive elements and influences. I, unknowingly was very good at seeking out the theatrics and melodramatics of life. It was as if, making good chaos or taking on risks at the expense of personal well-being, somehow made me felt alive and/or worthy. Like a impetuous child in a candy store, I could not and did not want to control my impulses because it always felt so exciting and titillating to be reckless. Worry about crashing down later, when and if that happened!

Unfortunately, after many ‘crashes’ and bruises later, I still continued along the same well-worn path of self-destruction and self-inflicted distress. I was so caught up in complicated emotional and mentally challenging situations. My relationships with others were mired with conflict, confrontation, angst, power-struggle and fault- finding mission. My framework was always ‘should have’, ‘could have’, ‘would never’ and my favourite ’ I didn’t have a choice’.

My preoccupations were with why and how things are not right, not working out, this problem and that, what’s wrong with this, that and the other. I was so preoccupied with all that made me unhappy or distressed, I failed to see that there were things in life which matter and there were things in life that did not. Only when I finally had to physically move home, then chose to take up a new interest and made new acquaintances along the way, that I realised how I have trapped myself into a self-defeating, negative and energy-zapping way of thinking.

Now I am learning to keep things simple. If something, someone or situation causes me distress, then it is probably best to address it head-on or walk-away because in the bigger scheme of things, such niggles are not really important. Little annoyances are part of life but, will cease to be important when the moment passes.

More importantly, I have learnt to be more forgiving and accepting of my own faults and limitations. Perhaps, it is signs of getting a little older or perhaps, it is something I learnt each day as I strap on my trainers and head out for my runs. I have been told that it’s all the endorphins produced in my body after a run that gives me that ‘feel good’ factor. Whatever it may be, the simple act of motion and being able to overcome physical discomfort and mental challenge as I am slowly able to run faster and further is quite liberating and empowering.

There is also something quite comforting and reassuring when I put on my trainers and head out the door. I know where I am going, I know at certain points in my run, I will feel lighter and better. I also know that there will be moments when I will be annoyed with myself because my body and my mind are just not cooperating!! It is in these little battles with my body, my mind and the daily elements that has somehow helped me put other aspects of my life into clearer perspectives. If this is true, how I wish I discovered the pleasure of such simplicity earlier.

But then again, I was probably not ready then. As the cliché goes.. You can lead a bull to water but you ain’t gonna make it drink!!

Why we never ask why?

I remember many, many years ago when I first stepped into the real working world, one of my many mentors said to me - keep things simple, in everything that you do, you need to know what it is, when you need to do it, how to do it and more importantly, why you do it. Understand the reasons, debate the rationale, accept and execute or if disagree, find an alternative and just do it. He would often tell me - cut the waffling, cut the what if's and know when something is a reason and not just an excuse. Simple? You would think so, wouldn't you?

Well, if things were that simple, we would have perfectly defined parameters of what is right and wrong that applies to everyone, everything and every situation. But do we really? Perhaps there are some of us who would like to think so or even believe we have such definitive views. However, how can what I think and what I believe be totally applicable to you? I as an individual, will have different way of framing the world as I see it. I may have motivations, aspirations, personal life experiences and social nurturing that shape my thinking and my actions. Hence, should I even assume, judge or perscribe what someone else should think or do?

The complexities of our own human nature, itself makes us an enigma to ourselves. It takes years and years of quiet contemplation, to strip away the different layers for what we are or what we think we are. How many of us even bother to contemplate? How many of us just pooh pooh the idea? Afterall, there's so much to do in life.. jobs.. careers..places to be... places to go.. people to see etc.. and the lists goes on. Perhaps, we live life at such surface level, we are no longer comfortable to sit quietly, to stop and really, really think about why we say certain things and why we do certain things. Perhaps, we are afraid by what we might find? We might find deep insecurities, self-perceived flaws and all sorts of fears, we just don't want to do anything about it because it's just too difficult. Easier to amble through life doing what we know. Hiding behind well-worned path.

So we seldom ask truly why or even if we do, we often find answers that suit our own original way of thinking. In most cases, we have already made up our minds about someone, something or a situation. The truth or any alternative view is not longer important to us. To acknowledge any other reasons would be to admit ignorance or to admit that we are wrong. Now, we surely cannot have that stamped on our fragile egos, can we? What others don't know about us, they cannot hurt us. As long as I hide my ignorance and inferiority, I am safe.

However, does that mean, we should project our personal demons onto others? Saying things we don't really mean? Or saying things with double entendre and then deny we meant to be nasty or inappropriate when confronted? Perhaps, most of the time, we don't even realise we are manipulating the thoughts and feelings of others because we are so disassociated with our personal thoughts and feelings. Then, we just label others as being super-sensitive?

Perhaps most tragic of all is, those of us who fall into the category of don't know what I don't know and don't care to understand. Asking why, just opens up a whole can of worms or is that pandora's box?

Life is not a race or a competition, or is it?

If I were to say, I am not competitive, I would be telling a lie. I am competitive because I like the recognition of my abilities. I like the acknowledgement that I have done well and that I am better than some. Success and achievement are great to bolster our sense of well being and confidence and such positive influences help us progress and remove personal barriers in our lives. Simply put, helps us be our best.

However, when does the need to be better, bigger, smarter, richer and the list goes on, become not a desirable or attractive quality? When does the drive, the motivation and the will to be our best becomes a burden? Do people sometimes, feel a need to be competitive as a way to dampen their deep sense personal insecurities?

As far as I can remember, I have never even give a thought to what it means to be competitive or if I am or not. I did not have reasons to question my motivations about why I do certain things or why I cultivate certain behaviours, habits and more so, why I nurtured some relationships and indirectly shied away from others. All that changed, in the last few months. It all changed when I realised what personal best, really means. Personal Best or PB, as it's affectionally called is just what it is. A measurement of one's achievement and that is why it's 'personal' just for that reason.

With this realisation, I struggle as I grapple with situations where I have been drawn to account for, to justify and more often than not to acknowledge that someone else is better than I am without question, even though sometimes the facts do not make sense or do not seem logical at all. I struggle not because I cannot accept that others are better than I am but I struggle with the deep seated need for one up-manship where there's no neccessity. In my struggle, I questioned myself as to whether perhaps, I may have indirectly caused others to behave such a way? Do I perhaps, come across as know-it-all and therefore caused others to want to prove me wrong? Or am I too arrogant and opinionated that others just want to show that I am a fool?

As I plod along, none the wiser, I am privileged to know some people who showed me humilty. People who come from very diverse background, age and gender and yet share a common ground of understanding what it means to achieve a personal best. They are competitive, yet in a positive, nurturing and inspiring way. So why are these people so different? What makes them grounded and yet have not lost their spirit to challenge themselves?

Maybe, it is to accept that despite our personal limitations - physical, mental or ignorance, we should not be ashamed, or be embarrassed or to feel inadequate. It takes more grace to recognise that we are flawed but the flawed bits can be improved or addressed at our own personal pace. We should perhaps take inspiration from those who are less able than us who have achieved much more and ask ourselves, why have we not push ourselves that bit more when others have?

Life is only a race and a competition in our personal journey to our own PB. Any other way, we run ourselves ragged, trying to achieve the impossible. There will be no end. There will never be any satisfaction.