Something about love

If we ask a child, whether he or she loves mummy and daddy, without a doubt the answer would be an affirmative ‘Yes’. In the same token, I know without a doubt that I care very deeply for my family even though it took me many years to verbally express my feelings to them. Perhaps, it was just not something my family did. We were just brought up to express love through fulfilment of our filial duties and expectations. So I must have accepted this concept of ‘love’ throughout most of my adult life. Nothing wrong with it, it seemed. Until something changed – I physically changed, my emotional and physical needs changed. Then my concept of ‘love’ went through an absolute revamped. Along the way, I collected a whole host of guilt-ridden, selfish pleasures and self-indulgent experiences all in the name of ‘love’. The irony is, I am none the wiser what ‘love’ means.

So what is this ‘love’ thing? How do we know what it meant when we were little? Did we learn this through our parents caring for us – taking away our ills, pains and bruises? Did we learn this because we know that there will always be someone we can go to who will provide us shelter, nourishment and protection when we needed it? Did we then internalised within us that 'love' is this unique and dependable bond between ourselves and one other or others who will fulfil most of our needs? Hence, ‘love’ is a function of what makes us feel good, secure and certain about life. If this is the case, does ‘love’ not just addresses a selfish need? ‘Love’ is not to do with the other or others, but our own attachment to what ‘feels right’ to us.

If ‘love’ is about fulfilment of our needs, then how can ‘love’ be sustained, if all those needs are met by something else or someone else? This could happen when a more fulfilling life is achieved through new interests, new personal goals and desires rendering some of our ‘love’ requirements unsatisfactory. After all, as individuals, we grow and change. We all grow up and leave home to pursue our own lives but we know our ties with our family remains. There is no sense of loss or insecurity that this ‘love’ will be lost to us.

What about adult relationships? Do we harbour the same feelings? I have many good friends whom I have grown up with and with whom I have shared many ups and downs. These friends I know will always be there for me in my time of need. However, I would not begrudge them or fear that our friendship would wane or just end. I would have no expectations of them to commit to me. I would be saddened if I lose that friendship through time but I can accept the inevitable. But I ‘love’ them, regardless.

Yet, I would less compassionate and definitely less forgiving with a partner, lover or spouse. There would be tantrums and tears. When such relationships end, there would be a deep sense of grief, wretchedness and obessive need to be morose and miserable. As if 'the world' has ended! Then eventually, I would see the light and decided - life goes on! Why should I feel this way? Surely, in the same token, such an adult relationship also falls into the same vein as my other relationships -it fulfils some human need. Surely, then I should not have expectations beyond those I have for my family and close friends.

So what is the difference? Why is one sort of relationship more fragile than others? Why am I more fearful of this fragility when I am more accepting of the rise and ebbs of other relationships in my life? I 'love' my family. I 'love' my friends and presumably, I 'love' my partner, lover or spouse. Even if understandly, the 'love' I feel are different - why do I behave, expect and react to each of these relationships differently?

This brings me back to the question – what is ‘love’ then? What do we mean when we say we 'love' someone? Do we still ‘love’ someone when that person no longer fulfils our needs? Also, as we are all so different, surely our definitions and expectations of what ‘love’ is differs and because of this, when people utter those words ‘I love you’ – they could mean different things. It is such thoughts that I grapple with, as I try to understand what ‘love’ really means to me. In this struggle, I realised with profound guilt, how I have often uttered the word ‘love’ without truly understanding what it meant to me and worse still, what my declaration meant to others.

Perhaps, 'love' has crept so easily into our lives that it never occurred to me the real significance of saying ' I love you'. I could blame it on the heady chemical reaction in my brain, the production of serotonin that blinds me, and caused me to be totally irresponsible, irrational.The first bite of a deliciously wicked bar of dark chocolate could be the cause. The first stolen kiss maybe? The thrill of physical desire? The pair of shoes, I just have to have? The absolutely gorgeous specimen of a human being who seems to be attracted to me sets my heart racing? The gentlest touch of a good friend? The reassuring smile and hug?And the list goes on...'love' is all around, surely?

So, I suppose, one can summise that I am shallow when it came to 'love'. Anything that sets my heart racing or that gave me that 'lift', I would love and obsessed about. However, in recent years, I have been challenged to review what 'love' means. I feel rather liberated, if not a bit ashamed to admit that I have never truly 'loved' anyone before. I loved the idea that I did. I could not have 'loved' because I never knew what that meant. 'Love' for me has always been about me. Perhaps, if I stop externalising and projecting what makes me happy or what gratifies me, I will finally learn and understand, what 'love' truly means.

Waiting for a knight in shining armour?

Yes, that is such a cliche. Being independent grown women, we should know better than to even entertain such a thought! However, does that stop us from longing for that special someone who will protect us and soothe our souls? Someone who may not be a gallant knight in the traditional sense, but someone we know we could totally trust to respect us and who will care deeply for us. This is despite not quite understanding why we feel the way we do at times and despite not having a clue what we are going on and on about when the solutions are so blatantly obvious to them!

So why then, is it so difficult to find this modern knight? Is it perhaps, we strive too hard to be strong and independent, that we cannot or don't know how to surrender our lives to being co -dependent on someone else. Is it because, relationships are more fragile these days and we have convinced ourselves from the onset that there are no guarantees? If there are no guarantees, why should we then put all our hopes and fears into the hands' of another, only to know that either party can just walk away and start all over somewhere else or with someone else.

Is the problem than not with finding the knight (assuming he is the right one!) but truly accepting that our knights in the harsh light of reality are flawed and can be totally infuriating at times but we can't imagine life without them? Yes, this means putting up with the trail of mess they tend to leave behind or the boisterious mates who seem to hang around long after the beers are all gone! Yes, it also means the not so sexy, attempts at getting our endorphins charged when all we want to do is crawl under the duvet and cuddle up to sleep. This is when we scream in our heads...we don't have an automatic switch that says push 'on' and 'off' when one wants to play.

Perhaps, we do over complicate things by expecting too much, giving too little or giving too much, and expecting too little that we become cynical and wary of finding that knight in shining armour. Or we should hold our heads up high and subscribe to the principle that why should we settle for any less.. as one commercial says 'Because we are worth it!'