A month from tomorrow, it will be the 8th anniversary from the day I stepped on a plane and left all I knew behind. It has been quite a journey with few regrets. This journey has caused me much tears and anger but it has also taught me resilience, strength and self-respect. Self-respect can be so elusive at times and fragile but priceless.
I did truly believed for a long time that I was loved and respected for who I am. Even believed it when I had to walk away from marriage which had been my anchor. I rationalised that no one is perfect and no relationships are perfect but still hung on to the fact that it didn't mean that I was not loved or did not love any less.
I have had countless moments where my friends have had to endure my recurring rationalisation and post-rationalisation. Friends who stood by me, listened and grounded me whenever life got a little rough. Friends who did not judge and did not mince their words when they knew I had to hear the truths. Friends who showed me what love and friendship really meant. The real truth was, there can be no love if there is no respect. The real truth was my self-respect got lost a long the way and I held on to an elusion of love. I could not and perhaps did not want to see that the one thing I so loyally hung on to was slowly eroding my already fragile self-respect.
Hence, the last year has been what I would call, the last lap. The year has challenged me financially, emotionally and has challenged me to look at the harsh realities of my decisions and of life. It was a year where my sense of loyalty, trust and faith was tested. Not just to people and things I care about in life, but also loyalty, trust and faith in myself. I could no longer rationalised and post-rationalised over things. All that I did not and chose not to see, came at me. The elusion that I have lived, slowly got stripped away or ripped apart.
In the nakedness of the truth, I was faced with the brutality of betrayal. Betrayed by people I care about or care for when I realised that the one person I should be able to rely on should I need a friend, would never and could never be there for me. All the years of my loyalty as a friend was rewarded with total disregard, disrespect and manipulation. My sense of responsibility and commitment, was something to be exploited and used. My weaknesses was used as amunition, to elicit a desired action or reaction. It was as if, what I had to offer was nothing more than a commodity - to be exchanged or used for some other's self-indulgent purposes. It was as if, me as a person had not other value.
The irony is, out of all the anger, tears and betrayal, these experiences have given me a clearer sense of who and what I am. They have made me realised that I have an inner strength I never knew I possessed. They have made me realised that my dignity and self-respect can never be bought...or compromised for something less.
I did indeed take a long 8 year sabbatical....but it is time now to resume my life.
Thursday 8 April 2010
Monday 5 April 2010
Ignorance is bliss for some....
Being an Asian female living in good old Blightly has definitely been an eye-opening experience. No I do not have almond shaped eyes and neither am I from 'exotic' Thailand or China or Phillipines. And yes, I do speak the Queen's English, besides two other languages. How did I end up here in UK? No I was not an imported Asian bride and neither was I ever a passport hunter. I chose to remain because for my sins, I loved someone and we got married. Just a few key points I thought I best clarify before I go on.
It would be totally naive of me to expect that we live in world where there are no prejudices. Having been borned and bred in a multicultural society, I know what prejudices are and I also know what it means to respect the differences between people of difference ethnic origins and religious beliefs. I believe prejudices are caused by our own ignorance about people and things we don't understand. We start with a limited view about someone which over-time, that view changes as we get to know someone better. Soon, we forget if someone we know is black, brown, white or yellow. We see beyond colour or creed. We see beyond another's disability or physical appearance or sexual preferences. We see the other as a person.
Such human understand and respect, do not need institutionalised 'political correctness'. 'Political correctness' as the 'acceptable social behaviour' does not remove ignorance and latent intolerance of differences among people. It just means, under the a veil of civility and social pressure that people 'appear' to be non judgmental. For example by the very virtue that I am an Asian female who came to UK and married a British resident, it is automatically assumed that I came from some far flung place, and married a local to save myself from a life less fortunate. Hence when the marriage did not work out, I am further branded as being calculative - got my rights to abode and jumped ship! A judgement of me not from strangers but from people who know me but it didn't stop them from thinking that.
It is thus irrelevant to such acquaintances of mine that I used to live and worked in a big thriving city with over 3 million popular and yes....the city has sky-scrapers and shiny buildings and lots and lots of highways and expressways. No I did not work behind a bar in slinky outfits and I did not runaway from such a life. I ran away from what is called 'burnt out' from a high pressure and high stressed career I loved but I could not and did not want to sustain such a lifestyle.
I have lived in UK for close to 8 years now and I would have thought, I would not have to be subjected to so much ridiculous preconceived notion about me. Is it so difficult for people to understand that not all Asians come from poverty stricken background? Do people not want to understand that not all Asian females are what they hear about from friends who have been to Thailand, Cambodia and such nations?
Perhaps, my resentment of such stereotypes is my pride and secondly the betrayal of being misunderstood and to have such prejudices expressed against me by people I thought were my friends. Angry as I am, I also feel really sorry for these people because there is a whole world out there of which most of them will never see. Ignorance is bliss?
It would be totally naive of me to expect that we live in world where there are no prejudices. Having been borned and bred in a multicultural society, I know what prejudices are and I also know what it means to respect the differences between people of difference ethnic origins and religious beliefs. I believe prejudices are caused by our own ignorance about people and things we don't understand. We start with a limited view about someone which over-time, that view changes as we get to know someone better. Soon, we forget if someone we know is black, brown, white or yellow. We see beyond colour or creed. We see beyond another's disability or physical appearance or sexual preferences. We see the other as a person.
Such human understand and respect, do not need institutionalised 'political correctness'. 'Political correctness' as the 'acceptable social behaviour' does not remove ignorance and latent intolerance of differences among people. It just means, under the a veil of civility and social pressure that people 'appear' to be non judgmental. For example by the very virtue that I am an Asian female who came to UK and married a British resident, it is automatically assumed that I came from some far flung place, and married a local to save myself from a life less fortunate. Hence when the marriage did not work out, I am further branded as being calculative - got my rights to abode and jumped ship! A judgement of me not from strangers but from people who know me but it didn't stop them from thinking that.
It is thus irrelevant to such acquaintances of mine that I used to live and worked in a big thriving city with over 3 million popular and yes....the city has sky-scrapers and shiny buildings and lots and lots of highways and expressways. No I did not work behind a bar in slinky outfits and I did not runaway from such a life. I ran away from what is called 'burnt out' from a high pressure and high stressed career I loved but I could not and did not want to sustain such a lifestyle.
I have lived in UK for close to 8 years now and I would have thought, I would not have to be subjected to so much ridiculous preconceived notion about me. Is it so difficult for people to understand that not all Asians come from poverty stricken background? Do people not want to understand that not all Asian females are what they hear about from friends who have been to Thailand, Cambodia and such nations?
Perhaps, my resentment of such stereotypes is my pride and secondly the betrayal of being misunderstood and to have such prejudices expressed against me by people I thought were my friends. Angry as I am, I also feel really sorry for these people because there is a whole world out there of which most of them will never see. Ignorance is bliss?
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