In recent months, I decided it was time to break out of my comfort zone. Perhaps, it had something to do with turning the dreaded FOUR 'O' and perhaps it had something to do with various self-defeatist and self-destructive personal modus operandi which I had no one to blame for the consequences but me. Shallow as it may seem, it was definitely a personal goal to get fit, healthy and hopefully, looking better to show the 'world' that I have moved on, moved forward, looking and feeling great. Yes, it was a sign of mid-life crisis or sweet revenge or both!
So as I started to slowly drag this out of shape, out of breath body out into the great outdoors, cursing myself for the junk I used to eat and the ciggies I so loved to smoke, I realised there is so much more to physical exertion and muscle aches. It dawned upon me, that I have to become more aware of what I can physically do and what my mind tells me I can or cannot do. I have become aware of how mentally, I would cling on to what is familiar and what is non-threatening to my own self-constructed image of myself.
Perhaps, as we get older, we forget what it was like as a young child, when we had no fear of what was new to us. As a young child, we did not have certain set 'standards' to pre-judge ourselves or others. We would just plunge into a new experience, a new venture and enjoy learning new things. As we get older, we become so afraid to fail and yet we subconsciously and indirectly, we are competitive. We compare and make critical judgments about ourselves to cushion ourselves from criticism from others - a masked inferiority, perhaps?. Or we compare and become critical of others when we know we are better - arrogance of superiority?. Something I read in a book by Martina Navratilova, strikes a chord here. She wrote, that one does not have to be perfect in pursuit of excellence. In the pursuit of excellence, is putting in one's best effort in what you do and it's not about being the best. I find this rather comforting as I struggle with my efforts to run and get healthy, even though each time I am out running, there are many people who go running whiz past me! I remind myself, that everyone's different and we all need to give ourselves permission to progress at our own pace. It is not a competition but a personal journey.
It has been a personal journey indeed for me. A journey that is helping me to slowly overcome that mental block that stops me trying harder. There are moments or days, where it was just easier to forget about eating properly or running or exercising. The temptation is to sink my teeth into my favourite chocolate cheesecake or the urge to have that after meal cigarette or ditch the run or exercise, curl up on the couch and watch telly! The nice 'fluffy', cosiness of all things so familiar and required no effort. Often, I catch myself getting lulled into such lovely cosy thoughts and I just get up and follow the famous Nike mantra ' just do it'... don't think...don't post-rationalise...just get myself into a discpline and make it a habit. So...I continue to battle through my temptations.....
I suppose in similar ways, being aware of what the mind does to cajole us, to urge us to action or inaction can be quite liberating. I remember, many many years ago in my short venture into learning about Vipassana Meditation, we learnt about understanding and developing an awareness of our thoughts. We were asked to observe, acknowledge and relinquish the thoughts that invade and prevade our minds. It was and still is one of the most difficult things to do. We get so enmeshed in the emotions that thoughts provoke in us, we forget to stop and ask ourselves if our thoughts are productive or counter-productive to us. We just re-act and post rationalised our actions or inactions.
So despite my muscle aches and total sense of insecurity about myself and my physical state, and my sometimes deluded sense of achievement, I believe most things in life is about mind over matter. It is learning the art, of understanding and channelling our energy to overcome futile, unproductive thoughts. It is finding the motivation, the desire to want to make that slow change. Changing the way we think and then the way we want to live is difficult but liberating. However, we all have a personal choice - take responsibility and commit to make changes to our lives for the better or be happy with what we have. Whichever choice we make, it will always go back to mind over matter....how satiated or insatiable the mind is with who and what we are.
