The last few months have been quite challenging. There were a few running niggles and sprains, there were incidents that triggered happy and some not so happy memories, then there was the loss of mum and now a small fracture in my foot has forced me to stop running. Time to rest and recover. This in itself, is even harder as idle time leaves me vulnerable to emotions and thoughts I don’t particularly like.
In fact, in the last 12 - 13 months, running enabled me to focus on more basic things. It helped me focus on getting healthier, fitter and to work through a lot of anger. This new obsession left little time to think, brood or over-analyse the past, or get worked up about the little daily irritations and the future, is just measured in terms of running goals - how much fitter can I get? What new running routes can I experience? How can I share my running experience with my sister who started me off? What races can do I?
The ultimate goal is to keep and remain healthy, to venture into experiences I would not have even thought of - from half marathon (later this year and next), marathons to hikes or climbs (in the next year & foreseeable future to come). Even though I have made a small start, there is still a long way yet to go. However, in this small step, something happened to me. It is as if I have stripped back, stripped away and stripped bare all the complications, emotional and mental shackles that I did not even realised were there.
Strange and unfamiliar? Oh yes. It was and it is still quite strange to find myself stop in mid thought especially when I am angry, irate or upset. Often in doing so, I realised how in my mind, I may have coloured the actual situation that has caused me to react with complicated permutations. Exaggerated significance of something that is said or not said. Worried about my place or significance in a situation or to someone. In truth, more often than not, it was a passing moment in time. I am no more important or significant than the fly on the wall! If only I had spent less time worrying and getting upset in the past, I would have had less frown lines and I would have had more enriching, productive and positive relationships. In the past, my personal mantra has always been ‘why me?’… ‘I cannot do this’… ‘He/she made me angry because…’ or ‘How do I get people to like me’ or…’Why do people not like me’. List goes on. You get the picture!
A liberation from personal sanctioned limitations? Most definitely. More importantly I have come to realised, to appreciate and to acknowledge that I do possess personal strength and courage that I didn’t think I had. That it was ok, to stop, look back and celebrate how I have survived a few setbacks. For this, I have mum and dad to thank for giving me and sis, as we were growing up the courage to try things on our own and that there is no shame in admitting ignorance. Not a matter of life or death, if we failed. In a way, mum was an inspiration because she left home at a young age, worked away from home, read a little Chinese but otherwise illiterate but she had in her later years, travelled on her own, she spoke a few Chinese dialects, she spoke English and even at one point was a nanny to an Australian family. For someone who didn’t drive and couldn’t read road signs, mum had no fear of getting lost or going on her much loved driving adventure. Sis and I in the driver’s seat would of course, groaned! Dad was a totally different animal, a rebel from a young age, he mellowed into wonderfully patient father. It was as if, he was quite happy with the simplicity of life - work, his black coffee in the morning and his cigarettes. His push-ups and dumb bells work out. Of course, the pleasure of polishing his car till it gleamed. His attitude was ‘ All in good time and nothing is a matter of life and death’. It is perhaps from mum and dad that sis and I, find that inner strength. I am only sad, that I didn’t realised this until mum’s recent passing.
What about friendships and relationships with others? This is perhaps an area in my life that I have struggled with the most. Defining personal boundaries. Differentiating love and need. Defining what friendship truly means to me and recognising relationships that are not supportive. Most difficult of all, is for me to acknowledge that there are not so pleasant sides to people that are often hidden and to find compassion to accept, to forgive and not be affected when I catch glimpses of these ugly sides. Hence, I suspect, one of the reasons why I take so quickly to running is because it is quite a solitary pursuit. In that 40 minutes, 1 hour or 2 hours, I escape away from the world. There is just me and the outdoors. As I struggle with the first few kilometres, all I need to do is just plod along until my body gets into rhythm and just run. No one’s troubles trouble me. Anguish of others and with others just fall away. The mind clears. The body relaxes, until of course the mind or legs scream at me to stop whichever happens first!
So what changed? What caused me to strip back and strip bare some (not quite all yet!) of my old worn out excuses and out dated mode of thinking? Frankly, I do not know. I am not even sure it was a ‘eureka’ moment or a moment of epiphany. All I know is, sometimes we need to stop what we are doing and take time out and find the courage to really look at why we do or don’t do certain things in our lives. What are we afraid of? Failure? Shame? Where did these unhelpful thoughts and feelings come from?
We may say, we don’t have time or we don’t believe it’s ‘us’. Time - everyone has 24 hrs in a day so why is it that there are some people who accomplishes more than we do? If something is not for ‘us’ - why? Too old? Too unfit? There are also people who are well advanced in their age who go sky-diving and run marathons. Too unfit? The question is do we want to get fitter? If no and we are happy then that’s great. If fitness is a goal, then what can we do about it?
A quote that stayed me recently is ‘Be the change that you want to see’ and I believe, if we learn to let go and open our minds to new possibilities, although at first we may be afraid, doubtful or tentative about what we can become, over-coming each small tentative steps I can assure you is very liberating and rewarding. There are 2 questions to ask ourselves - do I think I have unconsciously or consciously shackled myself to excuses and limitations that I need to strip away and secondly, does it matter enough for me to want to make a change for the better.
You may not like the answers. Personal honesty can be brutal.
