It wasn’t so long ago that life was anything but simple. I had always thought, the problem was not with me, life was just unfair or people were just horrible creatures or ‘I deserve better’ etc…There was always something, someone or some situation that I would and could find fault with. I had failed to acknowledge that there was one common denominator, in every moment of distress and distraught - me!
At last, I confessed, I was self-masochistic. It was not a case of attracting unhealthy and destructive elements and influences. I, unknowingly was very good at seeking out the theatrics and melodramatics of life. It was as if, making good chaos or taking on risks at the expense of personal well-being, somehow made me felt alive and/or worthy. Like a impetuous child in a candy store, I could not and did not want to control my impulses because it always felt so exciting and titillating to be reckless. Worry about crashing down later, when and if that happened!
Unfortunately, after many ‘crashes’ and bruises later, I still continued along the same well-worn path of self-destruction and self-inflicted distress. I was so caught up in complicated emotional and mentally challenging situations. My relationships with others were mired with conflict, confrontation, angst, power-struggle and fault- finding mission. My framework was always ‘should have’, ‘could have’, ‘would never’ and my favourite ’ I didn’t have a choice’.
My preoccupations were with why and how things are not right, not working out, this problem and that, what’s wrong with this, that and the other. I was so preoccupied with all that made me unhappy or distressed, I failed to see that there were things in life which matter and there were things in life that did not. Only when I finally had to physically move home, then chose to take up a new interest and made new acquaintances along the way, that I realised how I have trapped myself into a self-defeating, negative and energy-zapping way of thinking.
Now I am learning to keep things simple. If something, someone or situation causes me distress, then it is probably best to address it head-on or walk-away because in the bigger scheme of things, such niggles are not really important. Little annoyances are part of life but, will cease to be important when the moment passes.
More importantly, I have learnt to be more forgiving and accepting of my own faults and limitations. Perhaps, it is signs of getting a little older or perhaps, it is something I learnt each day as I strap on my trainers and head out for my runs. I have been told that it’s all the endorphins produced in my body after a run that gives me that ‘feel good’ factor. Whatever it may be, the simple act of motion and being able to overcome physical discomfort and mental challenge as I am slowly able to run faster and further is quite liberating and empowering.
There is also something quite comforting and reassuring when I put on my trainers and head out the door. I know where I am going, I know at certain points in my run, I will feel lighter and better. I also know that there will be moments when I will be annoyed with myself because my body and my mind are just not cooperating!! It is in these little battles with my body, my mind and the daily elements that has somehow helped me put other aspects of my life into clearer perspectives. If this is true, how I wish I discovered the pleasure of such simplicity earlier.
But then again, I was probably not ready then. As the cliché goes.. You can lead a bull to water but you ain’t gonna make it drink!!
