Stripped back, stripped bare all because I ran

The last few months have been quite challenging. There were a few running niggles and sprains, there were incidents that triggered happy and some not so happy memories, then there was the loss of mum and now a small fracture in my foot has forced me to stop running. Time to rest and recover. This in itself, is even harder as idle time leaves me vulnerable to emotions and thoughts I don’t particularly like.

In fact, in the last 12 - 13 months, running enabled me to focus on more basic things. It helped me focus on getting healthier, fitter and to work through a lot of anger. This new obsession left little time to think, brood or over-analyse the past, or get worked up about the little daily irritations and the future, is just measured in terms of running goals - how much fitter can I get? What new running routes can I experience? How can I share my running experience with my sister who started me off? What races can do I?

The ultimate goal is to keep and remain healthy, to venture into experiences I would not have even thought of - from half marathon (later this year and next), marathons to hikes or climbs (in the next year & foreseeable future to come). Even though I have made a small start, there is still a long way yet to go. However, in this small step, something happened to me. It is as if I have stripped back, stripped away and stripped bare all the complications, emotional and mental shackles that I did not even realised were there.

Strange and unfamiliar? Oh yes. It was and it is still quite strange to find myself stop in mid thought especially when I am angry, irate or upset. Often in doing so, I realised how in my mind, I may have coloured the actual situation that has caused me to react with complicated permutations. Exaggerated significance of something that is said or not said. Worried about my place or significance in a situation or to someone. In truth, more often than not, it was a passing moment in time. I am no more important or significant than the fly on the wall! If only I had spent less time worrying and getting upset in the past, I would have had less frown lines and I would have had more enriching, productive and positive relationships. In the past, my personal mantra has always been ‘why me?’… ‘I cannot do this’… ‘He/she made me angry because…’ or ‘How do I get people to like me’ or…’Why do people not like me’. List goes on. You get the picture!

A liberation from personal sanctioned limitations? Most definitely. More importantly I have come to realised, to appreciate and to acknowledge that I do possess personal strength and courage that I didn’t think I had. That it was ok, to stop, look back and celebrate how I have survived a few setbacks. For this, I have mum and dad to thank for giving me and sis, as we were growing up the courage to try things on our own and that there is no shame in admitting ignorance. Not a matter of life or death, if we failed. In a way, mum was an inspiration because she left home at a young age, worked away from home, read a little Chinese but otherwise illiterate but she had in her later years, travelled on her own, she spoke a few Chinese dialects, she spoke English and even at one point was a nanny to an Australian family. For someone who didn’t drive and couldn’t read road signs, mum had no fear of getting lost or going on her much loved driving adventure. Sis and I in the driver’s seat would of course, groaned! Dad was a totally different animal, a rebel from a young age, he mellowed into wonderfully patient father. It was as if, he was quite happy with the simplicity of life - work, his black coffee in the morning and his cigarettes. His push-ups and dumb bells work out. Of course, the pleasure of polishing his car till it gleamed. His attitude was ‘ All in good time and nothing is a matter of life and death’. It is perhaps from mum and dad that sis and I, find that inner strength. I am only sad, that I didn’t realised this until mum’s recent passing.

What about friendships and relationships with others? This is perhaps an area in my life that I have struggled with the most. Defining personal boundaries. Differentiating love and need. Defining what friendship truly means to me and recognising relationships that are not supportive. Most difficult of all, is for me to acknowledge that there are not so pleasant sides to people that are often hidden and to find compassion to accept, to forgive and not be affected when I catch glimpses of these ugly sides. Hence, I suspect, one of the reasons why I take so quickly to running is because it is quite a solitary pursuit. In that 40 minutes, 1 hour or 2 hours, I escape away from the world. There is just me and the outdoors. As I struggle with the first few kilometres, all I need to do is just plod along until my body gets into rhythm and just run. No one’s troubles trouble me. Anguish of others and with others just fall away. The mind clears. The body relaxes, until of course the mind or legs scream at me to stop whichever happens first!

So what changed? What caused me to strip back and strip bare some (not quite all yet!) of my old worn out excuses and out dated mode of thinking? Frankly, I do not know. I am not even sure it was a ‘eureka’ moment or a moment of epiphany. All I know is, sometimes we need to stop what we are doing and take time out and find the courage to really look at why we do or don’t do certain things in our lives. What are we afraid of? Failure? Shame? Where did these unhelpful thoughts and feelings come from?

We may say, we don’t have time or we don’t believe it’s ‘us’. Time - everyone has 24 hrs in a day so why is it that there are some people who accomplishes more than we do? If something is not for ‘us’ - why? Too old? Too unfit? There are also people who are well advanced in their age who go sky-diving and run marathons. Too unfit? The question is do we want to get fitter? If no and we are happy then that’s great. If fitness is a goal, then what can we do about it?

A quote that stayed me recently is ‘Be the change that you want to see’ and I believe, if we learn to let go and open our minds to new possibilities, although at first we may be afraid, doubtful or tentative about what we can become, over-coming each small tentative steps I can assure you is very liberating and rewarding. There are 2 questions to ask ourselves - do I think I have unconsciously or consciously shackled myself to excuses and limitations that I need to strip away and secondly, does it matter enough for me to want to make a change for the better.

You may not like the answers. Personal honesty can be brutal.

Keeping Things Simple

It wasn’t so long ago that life was anything but simple. I had always thought, the problem was not with me, life was just unfair or people were just horrible creatures or ‘I deserve better’ etc…There was always something, someone or some situation that I would and could find fault with. I had failed to acknowledge that there was one common denominator, in every moment of distress and distraught - me!

At last, I confessed, I was self-masochistic. It was not a case of attracting unhealthy and destructive elements and influences. I, unknowingly was very good at seeking out the theatrics and melodramatics of life. It was as if, making good chaos or taking on risks at the expense of personal well-being, somehow made me felt alive and/or worthy. Like a impetuous child in a candy store, I could not and did not want to control my impulses because it always felt so exciting and titillating to be reckless. Worry about crashing down later, when and if that happened!

Unfortunately, after many ‘crashes’ and bruises later, I still continued along the same well-worn path of self-destruction and self-inflicted distress. I was so caught up in complicated emotional and mentally challenging situations. My relationships with others were mired with conflict, confrontation, angst, power-struggle and fault- finding mission. My framework was always ‘should have’, ‘could have’, ‘would never’ and my favourite ’ I didn’t have a choice’.

My preoccupations were with why and how things are not right, not working out, this problem and that, what’s wrong with this, that and the other. I was so preoccupied with all that made me unhappy or distressed, I failed to see that there were things in life which matter and there were things in life that did not. Only when I finally had to physically move home, then chose to take up a new interest and made new acquaintances along the way, that I realised how I have trapped myself into a self-defeating, negative and energy-zapping way of thinking.

Now I am learning to keep things simple. If something, someone or situation causes me distress, then it is probably best to address it head-on or walk-away because in the bigger scheme of things, such niggles are not really important. Little annoyances are part of life but, will cease to be important when the moment passes.

More importantly, I have learnt to be more forgiving and accepting of my own faults and limitations. Perhaps, it is signs of getting a little older or perhaps, it is something I learnt each day as I strap on my trainers and head out for my runs. I have been told that it’s all the endorphins produced in my body after a run that gives me that ‘feel good’ factor. Whatever it may be, the simple act of motion and being able to overcome physical discomfort and mental challenge as I am slowly able to run faster and further is quite liberating and empowering.

There is also something quite comforting and reassuring when I put on my trainers and head out the door. I know where I am going, I know at certain points in my run, I will feel lighter and better. I also know that there will be moments when I will be annoyed with myself because my body and my mind are just not cooperating!! It is in these little battles with my body, my mind and the daily elements that has somehow helped me put other aspects of my life into clearer perspectives. If this is true, how I wish I discovered the pleasure of such simplicity earlier.

But then again, I was probably not ready then. As the cliché goes.. You can lead a bull to water but you ain’t gonna make it drink!!

Why we never ask why?

I remember many, many years ago when I first stepped into the real working world, one of my many mentors said to me - keep things simple, in everything that you do, you need to know what it is, when you need to do it, how to do it and more importantly, why you do it. Understand the reasons, debate the rationale, accept and execute or if disagree, find an alternative and just do it. He would often tell me - cut the waffling, cut the what if's and know when something is a reason and not just an excuse. Simple? You would think so, wouldn't you?

Well, if things were that simple, we would have perfectly defined parameters of what is right and wrong that applies to everyone, everything and every situation. But do we really? Perhaps there are some of us who would like to think so or even believe we have such definitive views. However, how can what I think and what I believe be totally applicable to you? I as an individual, will have different way of framing the world as I see it. I may have motivations, aspirations, personal life experiences and social nurturing that shape my thinking and my actions. Hence, should I even assume, judge or perscribe what someone else should think or do?

The complexities of our own human nature, itself makes us an enigma to ourselves. It takes years and years of quiet contemplation, to strip away the different layers for what we are or what we think we are. How many of us even bother to contemplate? How many of us just pooh pooh the idea? Afterall, there's so much to do in life.. jobs.. careers..places to be... places to go.. people to see etc.. and the lists goes on. Perhaps, we live life at such surface level, we are no longer comfortable to sit quietly, to stop and really, really think about why we say certain things and why we do certain things. Perhaps, we are afraid by what we might find? We might find deep insecurities, self-perceived flaws and all sorts of fears, we just don't want to do anything about it because it's just too difficult. Easier to amble through life doing what we know. Hiding behind well-worned path.

So we seldom ask truly why or even if we do, we often find answers that suit our own original way of thinking. In most cases, we have already made up our minds about someone, something or a situation. The truth or any alternative view is not longer important to us. To acknowledge any other reasons would be to admit ignorance or to admit that we are wrong. Now, we surely cannot have that stamped on our fragile egos, can we? What others don't know about us, they cannot hurt us. As long as I hide my ignorance and inferiority, I am safe.

However, does that mean, we should project our personal demons onto others? Saying things we don't really mean? Or saying things with double entendre and then deny we meant to be nasty or inappropriate when confronted? Perhaps, most of the time, we don't even realise we are manipulating the thoughts and feelings of others because we are so disassociated with our personal thoughts and feelings. Then, we just label others as being super-sensitive?

Perhaps most tragic of all is, those of us who fall into the category of don't know what I don't know and don't care to understand. Asking why, just opens up a whole can of worms or is that pandora's box?

Life is not a race or a competition, or is it?

If I were to say, I am not competitive, I would be telling a lie. I am competitive because I like the recognition of my abilities. I like the acknowledgement that I have done well and that I am better than some. Success and achievement are great to bolster our sense of well being and confidence and such positive influences help us progress and remove personal barriers in our lives. Simply put, helps us be our best.

However, when does the need to be better, bigger, smarter, richer and the list goes on, become not a desirable or attractive quality? When does the drive, the motivation and the will to be our best becomes a burden? Do people sometimes, feel a need to be competitive as a way to dampen their deep sense personal insecurities?

As far as I can remember, I have never even give a thought to what it means to be competitive or if I am or not. I did not have reasons to question my motivations about why I do certain things or why I cultivate certain behaviours, habits and more so, why I nurtured some relationships and indirectly shied away from others. All that changed, in the last few months. It all changed when I realised what personal best, really means. Personal Best or PB, as it's affectionally called is just what it is. A measurement of one's achievement and that is why it's 'personal' just for that reason.

With this realisation, I struggle as I grapple with situations where I have been drawn to account for, to justify and more often than not to acknowledge that someone else is better than I am without question, even though sometimes the facts do not make sense or do not seem logical at all. I struggle not because I cannot accept that others are better than I am but I struggle with the deep seated need for one up-manship where there's no neccessity. In my struggle, I questioned myself as to whether perhaps, I may have indirectly caused others to behave such a way? Do I perhaps, come across as know-it-all and therefore caused others to want to prove me wrong? Or am I too arrogant and opinionated that others just want to show that I am a fool?

As I plod along, none the wiser, I am privileged to know some people who showed me humilty. People who come from very diverse background, age and gender and yet share a common ground of understanding what it means to achieve a personal best. They are competitive, yet in a positive, nurturing and inspiring way. So why are these people so different? What makes them grounded and yet have not lost their spirit to challenge themselves?

Maybe, it is to accept that despite our personal limitations - physical, mental or ignorance, we should not be ashamed, or be embarrassed or to feel inadequate. It takes more grace to recognise that we are flawed but the flawed bits can be improved or addressed at our own personal pace. We should perhaps take inspiration from those who are less able than us who have achieved much more and ask ourselves, why have we not push ourselves that bit more when others have?

Life is only a race and a competition in our personal journey to our own PB. Any other way, we run ourselves ragged, trying to achieve the impossible. There will be no end. There will never be any satisfaction.

Pain - A Necessary Evil

Having spent the last few days, limping up and down the stairs and trying to not scrunge up my face whenever I bend my knee, some people may wonder why do I get so obessessed with the one activity that gives me pain. I too used to labelled those who punish their bodies, running through rain, shine and all sorts of muscle misallignment or misfortune as utterly mad. Now I sort of get it and have to humbly eat my own words. Now I have perhaps, joined the growing number of people who lace up and actually enjoy the liberation of running. I concede defeat for I have succumbed to what I call 'running for my life' syndrome

Running for me is not just about putting on a pair of running shoes and getting out there to achieve calories burnt, distance covered, PB time achieved or preparing for the race we have decided to sign to support a charity. For me, there is a certain wisdom and philopsophy to running that has helped me change the way I think of my body, my ability and how I frame my peformances and achievements. It has helped me understand what personal best truly means. It has taught me to accept that I am a work-in-progress and will continue to be a work-in-progress.

About a year ago, my life was at a low ebb. I had reached a point where the challenges and injustices I experienced over the years in my professional and personal life began to take its toll. I was perhaps bordering on mild depression. I was mentally, emotional and physically fatigued. On top of all that, financially I was living from hand to mouth. It is during this period of illness and rest that everything began to come to light. Everything that I could not see and did not want to see about myself and about my life came down upon me like a tonne of bricks. During these moments of revelation, I hated what I discovered. I was angry and hurt. Now, I realised that despite the fact that I am still angry, it truly was a blessing that I reached that low point. It was a blessing because it saved me from further personal disasters which would have been more difficult for me to recover from.

It is in looking back that I realised I have progressed and continue to progress as I am in my running. I understand now that the like physical discomfort in running, the pain and angst I had endured for a long time was a necessary evil to mark my progress in life. I have not quite come to embrace pain - be in mental, physical or in whatever form. However, to be able to look back in anger, let it go and move forward is an achievement enough for me to feel proud of.

Perhaps, the strong ones among us are those who can graciously accept and embrace the imperfections, angst and limitations of being human. No different I suppose from how top athletes and sports people look beyond the physical pain to achieve their personal best. It takes a lot of mental strength to overcome our innate sense to run away and to avoid any form of displeasure.

So the next time I lace up and try to beat my personal clock, I will be less frustrated with myself if my body and self-talk convinces me I can run no faster or go no further. I will go 'Oh Hello...I recognise you Mr Pain' and just have to try a little harder, next time.

As a quote aptly puts it ' Pain is weakness leaving the body'

Compassion Where Art Thou?

Often times, after getting over my angst, frustrations and annoyances with people in general, I feel dreadful. I feel dreadful for getting angry. I feel dreadful for being frustrated and annoyed with people, just because I find their views, opinions, motivations and actions unacceptable to me. These may be unacceptable for various reasons. Unacceptable because I find what people say or do, hypocritical. Unacceptable because what was said or done was disrespectful, naive or was based on nothing more than assumptions. And lately, I have no patience for people who expects respect, compromises and to be treated as if they deserve more. As much as I get annoyed, I do try my best to shake it off or risk sounding patronising. Whichever way, I still feel that I really shouldn't be so harsh and judgmental as I am aware I too am imperfect. That I too,annoy, frustrate and perhaps seem like a right plonker to others. I should be more forgiving and extend a sense of compassion in my relationships with people. Why then do I struggle with compassion, if this is the answer to all my woes?

In our daily lives, we symphatise and we emphatise with others. We have a simple understanding of how it feels like when someone is wronged, or when there is an injustice or when there is a loss. This is because, we probably have some similar experiences to draw from. Also, society expects us to behave in an appropriate manner when situations arise where we should be symphatetic or emphatetic. Whether we do this sincerely because we really do share or value the same things, is altogether another matter. Or alternative, we may decide that we are somehow truer to ourselves by being a rebel against society norm and prefer to be cynical, critical and objective as symphaties and emphaties are just frivolous and baseless. Whichever we lean - we have a certain mode of conduct. Whichever way we may lean, this does not mean we are compassionate or discompassionate.

Compassion goes much deeper that expressing a sense of 'putting ourselves' in someone else's shoes and imagine what it feels like to be in a certain situation. Compassion means stripping away all our pre-conceived expectations, putting aside our own values to acknowledge, respect and accept another as another flawed human being like us. It means disassociating our sense of self from others. It is not no longer about who and what another as defined by us and their relationship to us. It is about another, as they are. Being compassionate, means we need to reframe the way we look at ourselves, the world beyond ourselves and a much bigger scheme of life.

Perhaps, the main struggle is in how we see ourselves. Perhaps, we place too much significance to who we are, our values and our sense of self compared to everyone else and everything else. It is difficult to accept and acknowledge our own insignificance and still find the compassion towards ourselves to have a positive and productive life. For anyone who has ever loved and have a loved one leave us, will know it is easier to be angry and find reasons for the breakdown than to accept that we are no longer loved or significant to another. Similarly, we have an in-built mechanism that takes over - where we cling at all cost to our false sense of significance. If we can find the true compassion to acknowledge, accept and respect that in the bigger scheme of life, we are all the same. No better. No worse. Just different.

Perhaps, the next time I do get annoyed, I will remind myself humbly - who am I to judge? who am I to say what is right or wrong? who am I but just like you imperfect.

Did 'The Stones' get it right?

I can hear Mick Jagger going ' I can't get no satisfaction' ringing in my head. Was he right? Did the Rolling Stones somehow managed to summise our insatiable human nature? Don't we often wish for things we could have or wish we could be rid of things we no longer find useful or we got bored with? Some days, we wake up and feel that we rather be somewhere else or doing something other than what we must or what responsibilities dictate that we must do. Even when we are having a great time, we wish it would never end or wish someone else was with us or perhaps not with us.

The list goes on and on. Different day. Different scenario. Different relationships. Same old feeling. Same old wish for something bigger, better, quicker etc...How did we become like this? Has perhaps affluence or civilisation molded us to keep wanting more and more because all our basic needs to live is no longer an issue? How can we learn to be grateful for what we have and be content with outcomes in our lives from choices we have made or not made? Do we want to continue searching for the panacea that will free us from our , perhaps self-inflicted misery?

There was a report on the news recently about a police officer who in carrying out his duties, he was shot and completely lost his sight. All he had greeting him every morning when he wakes up is just darkness. Watching him tell his story and listening to him speak about how he refused to let his blindness cripple him for the rest of his life, I am filled with such shame. I am ashamed that I even waste my energy and time recounting and revisiting the injustices and trivialities of my life. Does it not just then put all the mundane, small irritants, daily stress we feel into perspective? What right have we to complain about our lives when a person such as this policeman, though he has lost his sight, chose to get on with his best that he can and not wallow in misery? I felt suitably chastised and rightly so.

Perhaps, we just need to stop doing and wanting things. We need to take the time to stop and think about what is really important to us. Savour the good moments. Truly acknowledge and accept personal responsibilities for choices we made or didn't have the courage to make. Stop ourselves from using phrases such as 'I had to do this because........ and therefore I did not have a choice...' It is too easy to attribute outcomes, consequences or situations of our lives to something else or someone else. Even in situations of life and death, we have the power to make a choice. It is whether the choices are right or wrong. It is whether we are willing to accept full responsibilities for our lives.

Perhaps, from time to time, we need to remember how and why we are where we are. It may mean revisiting reasons why we stay in our jobs or pursue certain ambitions. Are we still happy with those reasons? Have our motivations perhaps changed? Or are the trade-offs and sacrifices we have made still acceptable to us? In the same why, we perhaps need to remind ourselves of all the good things in our relationships with our families, spouses and friends or take courage to confront, address issues or even walk away.

As human, we cling and attach to what we are familiar with. Regardless how miserable we feel or angry or unhappy, we stay with what we know. We lock ourselves into a familiar modus operandi. Perhaps, we make excuses for ourselves that holds us back from embracing what we have - 'I have no time for this' or 'I can't do that' or 'This is simply just not me' or 'It's too far...too expensive' etc..etc.. The list of can't or won't is perhaps as long if not longer that the list of things we are not happy with or not satisfied with....

There is only one certainty in life.. and that is, one day we will all perish. We can chose to worry, fret, pout or be unhappy while our clock ticks on or we can learn to accept that life is not quite perfect but be grateful for who we are, what we have and find compassion for those who are none the wiser.

Satisfaction may not be insight..but at least we stop searching for it and start living. Maybe?

Blinded Then...Running Free Now

Isn't life a bit like an optical illusion image? What lies in front of us may not be what we can truly perceive. We see only what our minds allow us to see. We seemed momentarily blinded until something clicks in our minds or something or someone shows us a fresh viewpoint. Then everything slowly unravels and we land with a thud, grounded in truth. At least this is what seems me to, is how I discovered personal truths about my life. It is as if all the little unconnected, trivial and forgotten conversations, angst and experiences came together to form a picture of what had really been going on. Why had I not realised this before? What caused me to float through it all in oblivious ignorance? Would I have made different choices if I had been more aware? Questions I suppose I will never have answers to and in all honesty, probably is of no relevance now.

This realisation of some harsh truths about my life and specifically my experiences and relationships in recent years was not a welcome intrusion. In some way, that ignorance was bliss but a bliss which was destructive to me in the end. I would never have the satisfaction of confronting the perpetrators of these deceits and unmasking them for who they are. On balance, best to let these beasts lie where they are. Some unfinished business is best left unfinished even if on occasions, there are moments when certain memories and mental picture, troubles me. These intrusive thoughts do pass and I am certain eventually they will cease to be of any significance.

As much as I still feel the deep sense of anger and betrayal, I welcome these feelings now. These are feelings which give me the motivation to change. These are the feelings that remind me that I had the strength to walk away and disassociate myself from all that was destructive. As shallow as it may seem, the sweetest revenge is one of personal progress inspite of it all. It feels quite good, as it seems, I am running free now, literally and metaphorically.

Of Cats, Dogs and Being Human

I must be quite thoughtless and uncaring human being because, I was not affected in anyway by that story of the woman who put a cat in a wheelie bin last week. I have no pets and I am not a cat hater or a dog hater in anyway and I don't think what was done to the poor cat was right but I was shocked by the maliciousness and anger that this CCTV footage has caused. The incident even warrant a discussion on Sunday morning TV about whether people are perhaps too obsessed with their pets. Perhaps, the discussion or the question should be why is there an obsession to judge and prosecute others on a small piece of footage or news?

Then this week, is the prosecution of William Hague and one of his advisers because they shared a twin bedded hotel room while on a campaign trail. This media revelation, as it were called into question the 'inappropriate relationship' they supposedly possessed. How does sharing a bedroom lead to an assumption of there being an 'inappropriate relationship'? Don't boys go on rugby or football tours, sometimes end up sharing twin bedded rooms? Does the situation become controversial, implying some sordid, hidden 'relationship' because parties concern here are involved in the public life? Does creating headlines, selling more papers or increasing more viewership or clicks on a website justifies the unravelling of lives affected by this whole circus?

As much as I or anyone can be angry with the media or others who are directly responsible for creating and feeding such news for public consumption, I find it very sad that people actually participate in the media circus by making comments that fueled these situations even more. I wonder what they would say to others if their own lives are being scrutinised, being critically analysed and debated over, judged and being made a mockery of in the public? I won't be suprised if I hear screams of ' Mind your own bloody business'. So shouldn't we give others regardless if they are ordinary people or people who have a public life, the same respect we would like, expect and demand from others? Have we no flaws or things in our lives that we wouldn't necessary want our neighbours, colleagues, friends and even families to know about?

The question that needs to be asked is - are people's lives so empty, devoid of meaning or excitement that someone else's life becomes more interesting? Has the hum drum of everyday living - work, family and all the mundaneness of living caused people to be voyeuristic or live their lives through others? Or perhaps, it makes people feel better about themselves by looking for flaws, faults and wrong-doings in others, so they can vent their pent up frustrations, angst and dissatisfaction at someone or something else.

Worst of all, the anonymity of the internet, provides the safety net to do just that. It is so easy for people to leave comments, to expound and express their feelings, with no regard for consequences. Freedom of speech and expression? Or the next best thing, get a pet who, regardless what you say, regardless how flawed you are will remain loyal and dedicated to you as long as you provide food, shelter and 'love'.

Mind over matter?

In recent months, I decided it was time to break out of my comfort zone. Perhaps, it had something to do with turning the dreaded FOUR 'O' and perhaps it had something to do with various self-defeatist and self-destructive personal modus operandi which I had no one to blame for the consequences but me. Shallow as it may seem, it was definitely a personal goal to get fit, healthy and hopefully, looking better to show the 'world' that I have moved on, moved forward, looking and feeling great. Yes, it was a sign of mid-life crisis or sweet revenge or both!

So as I started to slowly drag this out of shape, out of breath body out into the great outdoors, cursing myself for the junk I used to eat and the ciggies I so loved to smoke, I realised there is so much more to physical exertion and muscle aches. It dawned upon me, that I have to become more aware of what I can physically do and what my mind tells me I can or cannot do. I have become aware of how mentally, I would cling on to what is familiar and what is non-threatening to my own self-constructed image of myself.

Perhaps, as we get older, we forget what it was like as a young child, when we had no fear of what was new to us. As a young child, we did not have certain set 'standards' to pre-judge ourselves or others. We would just plunge into a new experience, a new venture and enjoy learning new things. As we get older, we become so afraid to fail and yet we subconsciously and indirectly, we are competitive. We compare and make critical judgments about ourselves to cushion ourselves from criticism from others - a masked inferiority, perhaps?. Or we compare and become critical of others when we know we are better - arrogance of superiority?. Something I read in a book by Martina Navratilova, strikes a chord here. She wrote, that one does not have to be perfect in pursuit of excellence. In the pursuit of excellence, is putting in one's best effort in what you do and it's not about being the best. I find this rather comforting as I struggle with my efforts to run and get healthy, even though each time I am out running, there are many people who go running whiz past me! I remind myself, that everyone's different and we all need to give ourselves permission to progress at our own pace. It is not a competition but a personal journey.

It has been a personal journey indeed for me. A journey that is helping me to slowly overcome that mental block that stops me trying harder. There are moments or days, where it was just easier to forget about eating properly or running or exercising. The temptation is to sink my teeth into my favourite chocolate cheesecake or the urge to have that after meal cigarette or ditch the run or exercise, curl up on the couch and watch telly! The nice 'fluffy', cosiness of all things so familiar and required no effort. Often, I catch myself getting lulled into such lovely cosy thoughts and I just get up and follow the famous Nike mantra ' just do it'... don't think...don't post-rationalise...just get myself into a discpline and make it a habit. So...I continue to battle through my temptations.....

I suppose in similar ways, being aware of what the mind does to cajole us, to urge us to action or inaction can be quite liberating. I remember, many many years ago in my short venture into learning about Vipassana Meditation, we learnt about understanding and developing an awareness of our thoughts. We were asked to observe, acknowledge and relinquish the thoughts that invade and prevade our minds. It was and still is one of the most difficult things to do. We get so enmeshed in the emotions that thoughts provoke in us, we forget to stop and ask ourselves if our thoughts are productive or counter-productive to us. We just re-act and post rationalised our actions or inactions.

So despite my muscle aches and total sense of insecurity about myself and my physical state, and my sometimes deluded sense of achievement, I believe most things in life is about mind over matter. It is learning the art, of understanding and channelling our energy to overcome futile, unproductive thoughts. It is finding the motivation, the desire to want to make that slow change. Changing the way we think and then the way we want to live is difficult but liberating. However, we all have a personal choice - take responsibility and commit to make changes to our lives for the better or be happy with what we have. Whichever choice we make, it will always go back to mind over matter....how satiated or insatiable the mind is with who and what we are.

Tell me I am beautiful

Yes, tell me i am beautiful. These would be words I believe we all like to hear. I know I would especially if these words are uttered by someone whom I am attracted to, or from someone who I hope would be attracted to me. But for required strong affect, these words would have to be said with such honesty and free from expectations. Now, there lies the problem - believeability, perception, persuasion or self-delusion? Which of these plethora of complex sensory, emotional and human flaw colours my perception of 'am I beautiful' to 'what does he/she mean when he/she says I am beautiful?' or 'should I believe him/her?'

I have never been a 'girlie' sort of girl. Not a slave to fashion or a trend watcher. Quite happy in my favourite pair of jeans and t-shirt or top when I dress down. Quite happy with plain trousers and simple tops or dresses when I dress for work. I don't have a closet full of shoes and all the necessary girlie accessories and I don't spend a fortune or spend hours getting ready to go out. It has never quite bothered me and I have never told I was ugly, so that was ok.

I have been complimented when I made more of an effort to dress up which isn't too often. In such rare occasions, I accept compliments graciously and don't really make much of a fuss about it all. I always thought people were just being polite because I made an effort. I have no real reason why I don't make more of an effort more often - perhaps, it is just me being pragmatic. My lifestyle is such, there is no real need for me to get all dressed up and who wouldn't like to look glamorous or all together all the time..it's quite a financial investment and don't we all wish we could!

So for a long time, it never did quite bothered me, if people didn't tell me i am beautiful. It wasn't something I thought about or courted. In fact, I would be quite uncomfortable to draw attention to how I look. It wasn't because I did not want to be beautiful and attractive. I just wasn't comfortable being physically appraised. So it seems strange that I become quite affected by circumstances and situations in my life that made me question my physical attractiveness. I feel absolutely ridiculous when I have a nagging thought in my mind 'What is wrong with me - am I not attractive enough or glamorous enough in comparison to so and so?' or 'Maybe I should have more of an effort'.

Then, I realised that no matter how attractive a person is or can be, there will always be someone prettier, better looking and younger. So is it perhaps an unrealistic expectation or a silly romantic notion to want to have somepne really special to us (besides our parents and siblings who will never think we are ugly anyway!!) to really believe we are the most beautiful creature in his or her life? Even then, once the novelty of that special relationship starts to wane....our 'beauty or attractiveness' gets redefined...we may no longer be as physically attractive or exciting as we were...So what does one do - besides botox, cosmetic surgery, diet, exercise and constantly updating the wardrobe to stay beautiful?

Will we never stop wanting or even at times need to say 'Tell me i am beautiful'? Shallow as it may seems, we surely do not want to be unattractive.

It's Not Really About Sex, is it?

As a woman, I could never understand man's perspectives and views on most sex related matters. I could never truly understand man's fascination with pornography. I could never truly understand man's ability to compartmentalise sex. A form of release, a means to some end. Then again, I am a woman.

So how should a woman feel when we are personified and objectified as a sexual object? Should we feel as sense of empowerment because we can provide such delirious gratification to another human being? Should we feel complimented because we could be adored and desired for our simple physical attributes? Or should we feel insulted for being judged and categorised as objects to lust after when there is a lot more to a woman than the breasts, the hips and the other curvy bits?

To feel a sense of empowerment is probably quite unhealthy and delusional as sex is then a pawn in a game of power and control. It is a short-lived game plan where there can only be two conclusions - either there is sexual intercourse and hence, at least one party is gratified or there isn't a sexual intercourse. Predictable at the very least. Regardless who is the seducer or the seduced, the power shifts and changes. Who utlimately comes out as being in control is all a matter of interpretation - one who comes out achieving his or her goal would have 'won'. Then again, who is to really know what each other really wanted from the start? It is a dangerous and deceitful game.

As to the issue of adoration, it would be dishonest to say that women do not enjoy the attention and the adoration of men. It is a great boost to the female ego. However, at what point and to what degree would a woman feel such attention a little uncomfortable? Perhaps, it is the complicated female psyche where we would loved to be adored but at the same time, we do not really want to be lusted after all of the time. Would we, as women be appalled if we could really see what goes through the minds of our male friends when a physically attractive woman walk on by? Or would we only be appalled if these same sexual thoughts were applied to someone other than ourselves by our significant others? Do we, women just have double standards, in the sense that we only want to be lusted after when it suits us?

So when would being lusted after suits us? When the attention is from someone we are probably attracted to? When we feel a need to be wanted to fill a void in our lives, a temporary 'escape' or reprieve from being alone? Some how using sex and lust as a bridge to 'feel' something. The peril lies in the fact that after the deed is achieved, we are none the better or the wiser.

So can we summise that perhaps, sex is not just about physical gratification? Could it be just an inescapable aspect of our lives that we are ashamed to admit it is the most vulnerable part of ourselves that we don't really have control over ? It motivates and inspires us to seek out what gives us ultimate pleasure and to escape from pain. It leads us to feel, to love and to hate in equal measures. It gives us the tool to manipulate and exploit in whichever way that suits us. We pay for it directly or indirectly, where sex is the underlying commodity.

However, as a woman, I believe we carry a inescapable burden when it comes to sex. We are either the goddess to be adored and to be had or we are the 'contemptuous, promiscious seductress' who are put on this earth to brandish sex as a valueable commodity to any willing and seemingly unknowing victims to get what we want.

I suppose that is some truth in that, all women can prostitute themselves, should we wish to and some of us doing it admirable to earn a living and to support their families. However, there are some of us who would not prostitutes ourselves because we have no need to.

So, it is not really all about sex, is it? It is the acceptance that there are certain things in life - such as the stirring in our groins which may be quite a challenge to ignore and to control. So is sex one's soothing balm for fractured and fragile egos or a poison because it exposes one as who we truly are?

If sex is my poison - I happily drink it as at least I am truthful to myself.

For everything else there is mastercard...my self-respect...priceless

A month from tomorrow, it will be the 8th anniversary from the day I stepped on a plane and left all I knew behind. It has been quite a journey with few regrets. This journey has caused me much tears and anger but it has also taught me resilience, strength and self-respect. Self-respect can be so elusive at times and fragile but priceless.

I did truly believed for a long time that I was loved and respected for who I am. Even believed it when I had to walk away from marriage which had been my anchor. I rationalised that no one is perfect and no relationships are perfect but still hung on to the fact that it didn't mean that I was not loved or did not love any less.

I have had countless moments where my friends have had to endure my recurring rationalisation and post-rationalisation. Friends who stood by me, listened and grounded me whenever life got a little rough. Friends who did not judge and did not mince their words when they knew I had to hear the truths. Friends who showed me what love and friendship really meant. The real truth was, there can be no love if there is no respect. The real truth was my self-respect got lost a long the way and I held on to an elusion of love. I could not and perhaps did not want to see that the one thing I so loyally hung on to was slowly eroding my already fragile self-respect.

Hence, the last year has been what I would call, the last lap. The year has challenged me financially, emotionally and has challenged me to look at the harsh realities of my decisions and of life. It was a year where my sense of loyalty, trust and faith was tested. Not just to people and things I care about in life, but also loyalty, trust and faith in myself. I could no longer rationalised and post-rationalised over things. All that I did not and chose not to see, came at me. The elusion that I have lived, slowly got stripped away or ripped apart.

In the nakedness of the truth, I was faced with the brutality of betrayal. Betrayed by people I care about or care for when I realised that the one person I should be able to rely on should I need a friend, would never and could never be there for me. All the years of my loyalty as a friend was rewarded with total disregard, disrespect and manipulation. My sense of responsibility and commitment, was something to be exploited and used. My weaknesses was used as amunition, to elicit a desired action or reaction. It was as if, what I had to offer was nothing more than a commodity - to be exchanged or used for some other's self-indulgent purposes. It was as if, me as a person had not other value.

The irony is, out of all the anger, tears and betrayal, these experiences have given me a clearer sense of who and what I am. They have made me realised that I have an inner strength I never knew I possessed. They have made me realised that my dignity and self-respect can never be bought...or compromised for something less.

I did indeed take a long 8 year sabbatical....but it is time now to resume my life.

Ignorance is bliss for some....

Being an Asian female living in good old Blightly has definitely been an eye-opening experience. No I do not have almond shaped eyes and neither am I from 'exotic' Thailand or China or Phillipines. And yes, I do speak the Queen's English, besides two other languages. How did I end up here in UK? No I was not an imported Asian bride and neither was I ever a passport hunter. I chose to remain because for my sins, I loved someone and we got married. Just a few key points I thought I best clarify before I go on.

It would be totally naive of me to expect that we live in world where there are no prejudices. Having been borned and bred in a multicultural society, I know what prejudices are and I also know what it means to respect the differences between people of difference ethnic origins and religious beliefs. I believe prejudices are caused by our own ignorance about people and things we don't understand. We start with a limited view about someone which over-time, that view changes as we get to know someone better. Soon, we forget if someone we know is black, brown, white or yellow. We see beyond colour or creed. We see beyond another's disability or physical appearance or sexual preferences. We see the other as a person.

Such human understand and respect, do not need institutionalised 'political correctness'. 'Political correctness' as the 'acceptable social behaviour' does not remove ignorance and latent intolerance of differences among people. It just means, under the a veil of civility and social pressure that people 'appear' to be non judgmental. For example by the very virtue that I am an Asian female who came to UK and married a British resident, it is automatically assumed that I came from some far flung place, and married a local to save myself from a life less fortunate. Hence when the marriage did not work out, I am further branded as being calculative - got my rights to abode and jumped ship! A judgement of me not from strangers but from people who know me but it didn't stop them from thinking that.

It is thus irrelevant to such acquaintances of mine that I used to live and worked in a big thriving city with over 3 million popular and yes....the city has sky-scrapers and shiny buildings and lots and lots of highways and expressways. No I did not work behind a bar in slinky outfits and I did not runaway from such a life. I ran away from what is called 'burnt out' from a high pressure and high stressed career I loved but I could not and did not want to sustain such a lifestyle.

I have lived in UK for close to 8 years now and I would have thought, I would not have to be subjected to so much ridiculous preconceived notion about me. Is it so difficult for people to understand that not all Asians come from poverty stricken background? Do people not want to understand that not all Asian females are what they hear about from friends who have been to Thailand, Cambodia and such nations?

Perhaps, my resentment of such stereotypes is my pride and secondly the betrayal of being misunderstood and to have such prejudices expressed against me by people I thought were my friends. Angry as I am, I also feel really sorry for these people because there is a whole world out there of which most of them will never see. Ignorance is bliss?

Looking for Joy

Isn't interesting in pursuit of joy, we forget that perhaps the simplest of things in life can be joyous? Reading a book about emotions, I came across something a sixteenth century French essayist Michel de Montaigne said which I find quite inspiring.

'Is there anything so delightful as the sudden revolution when I pass from extreme pain of voiding my stones (he suffers from kidney stones),and recover, in a flash,the beauteous light of health, full and free, as happens when our colic paroxysm are at their sharpest and most sudden? Is there anything in that suffered pain that can outweigh the joy of so prompt a recovery?Oh how much more beautiful health looks to me after illness'.

Perhaps, this will inspire some of us who have had some disappointments and challenges in life, where we have lost our sense of faith or hope that, the taste of joy is just within reach. Cliche has it may seem, having known what is dark and brooding, we can perhaps experience and appreciate joy when it comes our way.

The joy of knowing that despite our doubts, frustrations and set backs, we have emerged with the ability to experience life fully. Perhaps, in the misadventures of our lives, we have forgotten what joy feels like. The familiarity of the cloak of misery and darkness we surround ourselves with, blinded us to what is really out there.

Perhaps, we should all take time each day, to try to recall moments that made us laugh, made us smile or made us feel whole. It may be that reassuring smile and hug from a close one, when we needed it. It may be the smile and the gurgling sound of little baby oblivious to the world. It may be the first tender moment shared with a loved one. It may be sitting on the beach, looking up at the twinkling stars and listening to the sounds of the waves. Whatever, that moment was or whoever it was with, just take time to savour it and remember that we are sums of everything we have experienced.

There is no need to go searching for joy, it is right there...in our past... in our present and will be there in the future.

An Imperfect Life

Having been sucked into a whole host of life's misadventures and meandearings, I have stopped writing. I have missed the self-indulgent pleasure of exorcising my demons by my musings. Unfortunately, my close friends have had to endure a lot of my out pouring of frustrations, tears and anger at my imperfect life. Without my friends, I would have been quite lost and for every harsh truths they have made me see and accept, I love them even more.

I cannot say that my life is miserable or unbearable as I am certain, compared to many others in this world, mine is imperfect as the challenges I have had to endure and experience is not a matter of life or death. My challenges was one of mental, emotional and psychological barriers as consequences of decisions I have made in my life. It is perhaps very existentialist of me to say it was all a matter of personal choices. It is forgiving myself for making those choices and getting myself into a twisted mental, emotional and psychological mess that I find the hardest to accept and deal with. I did not make my life's choices blind-folded, I made those choices from my heart and perhaps from well conditioned accepted behaviourial patterns I have been used to recycling!

It was quite a shocking discovery when I learnt about 'Narcissitic Personality Disorder' -an mental illness where someone who has a battered sense of self but is deluded that he/she is better than everyone else and hence project their weakness onto others...using others as a mirror to confirm and affirm their own deluded belief. A vicious cycle of projection and externalisation, without any responsibilities for anything they do not like or cannot face up to. It means living with such a person is like living with a broken down record of how life is full of injustices and how you, as a child, friend or partner will always be the cause of all the things that go wrong or will go wrong. I lived through such experiences through my child hood and lived through similar experiences through two relationships. These experiences makes one question the acceptabilty and the wonderful myriad of experiences in the imperfection of one's life. The experiences suck one into a little dark corner where all the imperfections of oneself and one's life becomes the shining beacon for all the see - regardless if these imperfections were true or imagined.

However, I am relieved now that as much as my life is imperfect and as much as I am flawed, I am just as normal and as worthy of being loved by people closest to me. There are many little cobwebs of doubts and little scars that I would have to heal along the way but as imperfect as my life is, I know I have lived and have much more to live for.

Imperfect but am loved.

Is the grass greener on the other side?

Burnt out and discontented with life, I chose to leave behind my family, a career and life as I knew it to embark on a 'soul searching' trip. A trip which eventually extended to a permanent relocation. A move which changed my life completely. What had I hoped to find by leaving everything behind? Did I find the grass greener or life better than what I left behind?

Not sure if it was fortunate or otherwise, that I did not start with any real purpose. I did not have a course of action or any plan, other than I needed a break from everything I had known. I just drifted blissfully along. I am very grateful that I was able to do so with the support of a very dear friend. A dear friend who became a part of my life in the early years. He gave me a home and courage whenever I was in doubt about my decision. I cannot imagine, what I would have done, if I had been truly alone and aimless.

In my early days and years, life in a foreign country felt like a long, leisurely holiday. Every day was a new experience. New places to see. New people to meet. I was as interesting a specimen to the locals as they were interesting to me. I had no real responsibilities or commitments of any sort. I could write home and as shallow as it may seem, earned bragging rights about the novelty of my new life. At times, I did feel a prick of guilty conscience but lets just say, it didn't give me sleepless nights.

As I decided to make my residence status more permanent, I was fortunate to find employment and began to find my own feet, found and made some really good friends. In the process, I found I had to unlearn many things. More importantly, I found I needed to change the way I think, my approach to life in general and the way I relate to people. I had to stop making comparisons to what I know and what I was used to but truly respect, accept and acknowledge new experiences as they really are. I didn't just wake up one day and this realisation dawned upon me, it was through various personal and professional set-backs that I learnt I had to change. Change for someone who has lived 30 plus years did not come easy! At times, I even post rationalised and self-justified that there is nothing wrong with the way I do or say things or my expectations! So far, no one has yet to drag me by my hair to lead me anywhere I did not wish to venture but my pride and ego has been a little battered and bruised.

So it would not be truthful of me to say that I have found life to be easier, after having relocated to half way around the world. Life did get easier as I become more accustomed to the way people and things are. In a similar way, life got easier as others begin to understand me better. However, in reality, there will always be cultural differences and barriers that neither one of us could truly cross and understand. The question is how much compromises, respect and compassion we have for each other to accept these well ingrained differences?

Is life then better than what I had left behind? To say that life is better, would be unjust and disrespectful of the life I had before. This would mean, I am implying that my life before was of less value. In doing so I discredit where I come from, I discredit experiences and people who were part my life then. Then would I not be discrediting my history and would this not seem that I am ashamed of who I was? Would this imply then I was just running away from my past and hoping it will just go away?

Though there is a morsel of truth that I did runaway and escaped everything that binds me, I do feel privileged to have had eventful and memorable experiences that contributed to who I am today. Hence, I would be use the word 'better' only in the context that I have found a more balanced life as an outcome of my decision. It is 'better' because my life now allows me the opportunity to review my priorities in life and discover what actually matters to me. It is 'better' because my decision has humbled me.

The grass is not greener, just a different type of pasture and a different type of view to look at, to appreciate and to make it home.

Something about love

If we ask a child, whether he or she loves mummy and daddy, without a doubt the answer would be an affirmative ‘Yes’. In the same token, I know without a doubt that I care very deeply for my family even though it took me many years to verbally express my feelings to them. Perhaps, it was just not something my family did. We were just brought up to express love through fulfilment of our filial duties and expectations. So I must have accepted this concept of ‘love’ throughout most of my adult life. Nothing wrong with it, it seemed. Until something changed – I physically changed, my emotional and physical needs changed. Then my concept of ‘love’ went through an absolute revamped. Along the way, I collected a whole host of guilt-ridden, selfish pleasures and self-indulgent experiences all in the name of ‘love’. The irony is, I am none the wiser what ‘love’ means.

So what is this ‘love’ thing? How do we know what it meant when we were little? Did we learn this through our parents caring for us – taking away our ills, pains and bruises? Did we learn this because we know that there will always be someone we can go to who will provide us shelter, nourishment and protection when we needed it? Did we then internalised within us that 'love' is this unique and dependable bond between ourselves and one other or others who will fulfil most of our needs? Hence, ‘love’ is a function of what makes us feel good, secure and certain about life. If this is the case, does ‘love’ not just addresses a selfish need? ‘Love’ is not to do with the other or others, but our own attachment to what ‘feels right’ to us.

If ‘love’ is about fulfilment of our needs, then how can ‘love’ be sustained, if all those needs are met by something else or someone else? This could happen when a more fulfilling life is achieved through new interests, new personal goals and desires rendering some of our ‘love’ requirements unsatisfactory. After all, as individuals, we grow and change. We all grow up and leave home to pursue our own lives but we know our ties with our family remains. There is no sense of loss or insecurity that this ‘love’ will be lost to us.

What about adult relationships? Do we harbour the same feelings? I have many good friends whom I have grown up with and with whom I have shared many ups and downs. These friends I know will always be there for me in my time of need. However, I would not begrudge them or fear that our friendship would wane or just end. I would have no expectations of them to commit to me. I would be saddened if I lose that friendship through time but I can accept the inevitable. But I ‘love’ them, regardless.

Yet, I would less compassionate and definitely less forgiving with a partner, lover or spouse. There would be tantrums and tears. When such relationships end, there would be a deep sense of grief, wretchedness and obessive need to be morose and miserable. As if 'the world' has ended! Then eventually, I would see the light and decided - life goes on! Why should I feel this way? Surely, in the same token, such an adult relationship also falls into the same vein as my other relationships -it fulfils some human need. Surely, then I should not have expectations beyond those I have for my family and close friends.

So what is the difference? Why is one sort of relationship more fragile than others? Why am I more fearful of this fragility when I am more accepting of the rise and ebbs of other relationships in my life? I 'love' my family. I 'love' my friends and presumably, I 'love' my partner, lover or spouse. Even if understandly, the 'love' I feel are different - why do I behave, expect and react to each of these relationships differently?

This brings me back to the question – what is ‘love’ then? What do we mean when we say we 'love' someone? Do we still ‘love’ someone when that person no longer fulfils our needs? Also, as we are all so different, surely our definitions and expectations of what ‘love’ is differs and because of this, when people utter those words ‘I love you’ – they could mean different things. It is such thoughts that I grapple with, as I try to understand what ‘love’ really means to me. In this struggle, I realised with profound guilt, how I have often uttered the word ‘love’ without truly understanding what it meant to me and worse still, what my declaration meant to others.

Perhaps, 'love' has crept so easily into our lives that it never occurred to me the real significance of saying ' I love you'. I could blame it on the heady chemical reaction in my brain, the production of serotonin that blinds me, and caused me to be totally irresponsible, irrational.The first bite of a deliciously wicked bar of dark chocolate could be the cause. The first stolen kiss maybe? The thrill of physical desire? The pair of shoes, I just have to have? The absolutely gorgeous specimen of a human being who seems to be attracted to me sets my heart racing? The gentlest touch of a good friend? The reassuring smile and hug?And the list goes on...'love' is all around, surely?

So, I suppose, one can summise that I am shallow when it came to 'love'. Anything that sets my heart racing or that gave me that 'lift', I would love and obsessed about. However, in recent years, I have been challenged to review what 'love' means. I feel rather liberated, if not a bit ashamed to admit that I have never truly 'loved' anyone before. I loved the idea that I did. I could not have 'loved' because I never knew what that meant. 'Love' for me has always been about me. Perhaps, if I stop externalising and projecting what makes me happy or what gratifies me, I will finally learn and understand, what 'love' truly means.

Waiting for a knight in shining armour?

Yes, that is such a cliche. Being independent grown women, we should know better than to even entertain such a thought! However, does that stop us from longing for that special someone who will protect us and soothe our souls? Someone who may not be a gallant knight in the traditional sense, but someone we know we could totally trust to respect us and who will care deeply for us. This is despite not quite understanding why we feel the way we do at times and despite not having a clue what we are going on and on about when the solutions are so blatantly obvious to them!

So why then, is it so difficult to find this modern knight? Is it perhaps, we strive too hard to be strong and independent, that we cannot or don't know how to surrender our lives to being co -dependent on someone else. Is it because, relationships are more fragile these days and we have convinced ourselves from the onset that there are no guarantees? If there are no guarantees, why should we then put all our hopes and fears into the hands' of another, only to know that either party can just walk away and start all over somewhere else or with someone else.

Is the problem than not with finding the knight (assuming he is the right one!) but truly accepting that our knights in the harsh light of reality are flawed and can be totally infuriating at times but we can't imagine life without them? Yes, this means putting up with the trail of mess they tend to leave behind or the boisterious mates who seem to hang around long after the beers are all gone! Yes, it also means the not so sexy, attempts at getting our endorphins charged when all we want to do is crawl under the duvet and cuddle up to sleep. This is when we scream in our heads...we don't have an automatic switch that says push 'on' and 'off' when one wants to play.

Perhaps, we do over complicate things by expecting too much, giving too little or giving too much, and expecting too little that we become cynical and wary of finding that knight in shining armour. Or we should hold our heads up high and subscribe to the principle that why should we settle for any less.. as one commercial says 'Because we are worth it!'