We all make lists. We have lists of things we have done, things we want to do and things we wish to do. We have lists for various aspects of our lives - our career, business, work, home, leisure and the everyday mundane living. Sometimes, it can be quite a revelation when we look back on some of our lists and discover how far we have come or how we have perhaps wavered from what we have set out to do. Most importantly, we will realise that what had been of significance at particular moment in our lives, may be of little importance or may even be of total irrelevance to us as we are now. With utmost certainty, time has moved us along. With utmost certainty we would have changed somewhat. However, as much as we have changed, there are certain burdens or scars of time that we carry with us. Doubts, insecurities and fears that may fuel our ambitions, aspirations and our endless self query of ‘ Am I good enough?’. In the same way, we could be carrying such burdens that over time, chip away at us and we become more accustomed to seeing our own limitations. We forget to ask ‘ can I be the best I can be?’
For me, I am a keeper of many lists. However, for many years my lists were all to do with my career, my work, achievements, recognition and acknowledgement in that very narrow aspect of my life. Every recognition fueled my obsession to work harder, try harder and strive harder. The instant positive affirmations that meant ‘I was good enough’ were the definition of who I am. It was such a significant part of my life, nothing else mattered. I was ‘successful’ because I had a career I loved. I had respect because I delivered results. I was rewarded because I delivered. I had authority. I had status. I was just turning 30. Everything was looking up. Then, life began to feel empty. It was as if I had packed too much into a short career span. I was exhausted. I was running on empty. I had to simply stop.
So stop, I did. From one extreme to another. I gave up all that and decamped to 6,000 miles away. Then I spent the next 8 years battling myself. Like an addiction, I could not kick the habit of wanting more. Having to start all over, where everything that I had done and achieved, accounted for nothing was a very painful personal journey. I was in a foreign land, nobody cared what I had to offer. Nobody respected what I had to offer. In gist, from a ‘somebody’ to a ‘nobody’ or at least that was how I felt. So I trudged along, nagging thoughts of ‘am I not good enough?’ followed me. Career and personal challenges compounded my feelings of despair and doubts. I was in effect, running around in circles. I could not see beyond my feelings and my own perceived ‘failings’. The one dimensional me didn’t cope very well. I just blamed the whole world for being unfair but really, deep down inside, I was convinced ‘I wasn’t good enough’.
Then like a blessing in disguise, personal circumstances dictated that I had to move home. That move was emotionally difficult and financially challenging. It was at this juncture, that I realised the enormity of my decision made 8 years ago to leave all of my life behind. It made me realised that in spite of all the professional and personal challenges in the last 8 years, I have weathered them, more or less on my own. It made me realised also the relationships that are important to me and those that are not. It was not a case anymore of ‘am I good enough’.. it was how can I be better.
That journey to being better began about 18 months ago. It began with a pair of Asics trainers on my feet. It began with tentative attempts to run. I figured since I couldn’t ride a bike or swim and is totally uncoordinated in any sports, I could at least give running a try. So try I did. It was not pleasant at all. Being a chain smoker previously didn’t help. Being a sedentary couch potatoes didn’t help. Then a friend recommended I join a local run in the park. I looked at him incredulously and thought seriously.. I don’t think it is the thing for me. The thought of running with others and coming last was quite horrifying. But, I decided I will give it a go. Worst thing that can happen is I do come last and I would be so embarrassed, I didn’t have to go back.
But 18 months on - 1820 kilometres covered so far, 3 road races, 2 off road races, more than 40 park runs later complete with ankle sprains, stress fracture and other aches and pains, I am still running. I have never come last yet in any of the races or park runs so I guess I am doing ok. However, the question of ‘am I good enough?’ is of less significance now. It is more of ‘how much better can I be?’. Running is not a panacea for all one’s problems but it changes you. Somehow, it is like your mind has being re-wired. You see daily irritations, frustrations as little necessities of life as you began to put things in your life into perspectives. You see limitations as something to work at and not give it to. You see temporary set backs as a need to adapt or change the way you approach things. You liberate yourself from having identify or define yourself by what you do. You truly understand, realised what it means that, when there’s a will to do something, a true motivation and desire to do, you will find ways to do it. Most importantly to me, it helped me understand that ‘being good enough’ means little because it means sufficient, sufficient to some pre set standards - self imagined, self imposed or standards expected of you from others. Being the best that you can be, means you commit to trying your best given what you have at any given time.
Hence, the pursuit of your own personal best is therefore not static because life is not static. So all of us, in our own ways are work in progress. The key is enjoy and embrace that process. Progress is a certainty, if you want it. So make a list of things what you want to do and do it, what’s stopping you?
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